Happy New Quest

New year, new blog.

I'll kick it off by describing myself and who I currently am, from my point of view. That last part is important to keep in mind - it's from MY point of view. The way I see myself isn't always the same way others see me.


Who am I? That's a very good question.

My name is Anett, but I'm a hoarder of nicknames so you can call me pretty much anything you want. The blog name Aratri comes from two words - Ara; meaning "female", and Tri; meaning "3". Random detail. I like random details. I'm soon to be 27 years of age, I'm a Norwegian female being, I don't work cause I'm on some disabled pension whatever thingy (translating the Norwegian word into English is hard, mkay?), and I live alone in a small apartment that I own. I live in my home town, but I dream of moving away from here. Again. I did manage to move away once, but got drawn back again by friends, family and love. Still got friends and family here, but love kind of killed me, and that's reason enough for me to take off. Buuuut, moving is expensive shit, and I don't got money, and I still haven't found a decent place to settle down, so it won't happen any time soon. It'll be when it's supposed to be, I guess.

I've got a bit of a shifting personality. One moment I'm one thing, and the next I'm something completely different. Sometimes I control it, others I don't. It's just a part of who I am. I can be extremely childish and playful, yet I can also be mature and very protective. I have trouble saying no to people, cause I live to please others. I can't handle rejection at all, and being left is my biggest fear in life, so I pretty much do anything to keep those around me satisfied so they'll stay with me. To the point where I let them take advantage of me, walk all over me, and I basically just ignore myself and my own needs to fulfill theirs. I'm a bit of a loner and I don't like having people around me, but when I have my social days I can almost overdo it by trying to be the scenter of everyone's attention. I can be charming when I try, but for the most part I'm sure I appear as a bit of an idiot. I have no self-esteem at all, and in my own eyes I'm more or less worthless. I can't do anything right. And I can't for the life of me finish a project no matter how much I want to. I have trouble taking in compliments, and I don't believe it when people tell me they like me, or even love me. I've been lied to a lot, so trust is difficult for me. I love with all my being, and tend to get very dependant on those I love. I can't live without them. When I appear as a confident and independent woman, it's only me playing a role to be able to get by in life.

I'm not pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I'm pretty average, really. My eyes tend to shift between pale blue, teal and grey, but they're hard to spot behind my glasses. My hair is, at the moment, shoulder length and kind of red-ish, and in desperate need of some love. I should do something about it, but I'm lazy. My skin is pale right now, cause it's winter, and my face is freckly. And I got the ugliest grin ever, cause my teeth look like they were thrown into my mouth. But, I've got pretty lips, so I can't complain. I like my lips. My weight is up and down, but at the moment it's somewhat low. You'd think I'd manage to put on some weight with all the food I had this x-mas, but no. Still skinny as hell. But, I'm far from well trained, so even though I'm skinny I still don't look nice. I'd rather be well trained and a bit overweight. That's what I find attractive, at least.

I'm a thinker. I always have a lot of thoughts that swirl around in my head, and the things that come out of my mouth is just a drop in the ocean of what's going on up there. I do think too much. My thoughts go in all sorts of different directions, and I have a tendency to think about the strangest things. But, I think first and foremost on others; on those I love. I always wonder if they're okay, what they're doing, and what they're thinking about. I think all day about the ones I love, and I always wonder how they are. But, there's that issue of how not every thought of mine is spoken. I'm not good at telling people that I think about them, and that I care, cause that's something that usually just stays inside my head, where I have a tendency to think things to death.

I think and I analyze a lot of things - well, the analyzing is mostly just of me and my own thoughts - and I firmly believe that I could think an entire nation under the table.  My head is my greatest weapon, but unfortunately I have a bad tendency to use it against myself. You know, thinking things to death. THAT is something I'm good at. But, because I'm a thinker, I'm a big fan of entertainment. Movies, TV-series, games - those are things I like to fill my time with. Stimulation for the head, or something like that.

I'm a gamer, but I mainly go for one specific genre of games, and  I only got a handful of games and game series that I stick to. Zelda, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Resident Evil, Grandia (both 1 & 2), Alundra (only the first one, cause the second sucks), Grand Fantasia (an online game) and Lord of the Rings Online. I also love the old classic pen and paper roleplaying games, like Dungeons & Dragons, though Call of Cthulhu is my preferred game. If you got a good GM, that is. I probably love roleplaying because I like playing roles. Being someone other than me, is something I'm addicted to. I do have my own roreplay that I've written (an eternal WIP, really) and people have bugged me for years about publishing it. Probably won't though, cause I just copied the d20 system from D&D and copyright issues and stuff is too bothersome - I'm too lazy to make my own system. If I ever get rich, I'll fulfill my dream of making it into a Massive Multiplayer Online RolePlaying Game. That would be absolutely perfect, cause it has a lot of potential.

When it comes to entertainment, I'm a bit divided when it comes to the things I like the most. One part of me really likes pure action, and I absolutely love watching action movies that have no real plot or anything else deep and meaningful in them, so that the only thing I'm fed with is pure action from beginning to end. They don't make me think, and every now and then it feels pretty good not thinking.
But, I also love things that make me think even more. The type of crime scene series, like CSI, NCIS, Bones, Criminal Minds, Numbers and even Veronica Mars are things I really love. It's all about figuring out who did what, and giving the bad guys their deserved punishment, and I think I like it because I like figuring things out and because I have a built in need to be a hero that catch the bad guys.
Of course, I also have a thing for more special types of series like paranormal stuff, fantasy and science-fiction. Series like Heroes, Firefly, Angel, Buffy, Torchwood, Dark Angel, and many, many more are high on my list of things I like to watch. It's probably mostly cause I like running from reality and submerging myself into other and more exciting worlds.
I am also a highly emotional person, and I actually like to cry - something I do extremely easy - so touching scenes are always entertaining, especially for those who's there with me and who's watching me bawl my eyes out. Disney is definitely a favourite of mine. Comedy is also a plus, cause I absolutely love to laugh!

I like music - rythm I can move to and lyrics I can sing - and I simply love Owl City. I have a very varied music taste - anything from Garth Brooks and Disturbed to 3 Doors Down and ATC - but if I had to pick just one thing then it just HAVE to be Owl City. Adam Young is an amazing creature, and his music is fantastic. It almost always suits my mood - which changes a lot and pretty randomly - and I love the cheerful rythm and the way his chaotic lyrics fit my mindset just perfectly. Owl City always lifts my spirit, and I can listen to it for hours. It's the kind of music that makes me smile. And I love to smile!

I like a lot of things. And dislike some. For many strange reasons.

I love hot water, and I can stand in the shower or soak in a tub for hours. I just wish I had a bathtub. I love the feeling you get right before, during, and the first seconds right after an orgasm. But I hate the feeling you get afterward when you just feel empty, used and dirty. I love clothes, and I love having a closet filled with different types of clothes in different colours that can fit every single mood I might be in. I love colours, preferably lots of it, because colours make me smile. I like the rainbow, cause it unites sun and rain and shows that the world is colourful. I love close contact with people I like and feel safe around, and can almost never get enough no matter how intimate it might become. But I hate close contact with strangers or people I don't feel 100% safe around, and almost want to take sandpaper and scrubb my skin if they give me as much as a hug. I like having a good view, so living high enough to be able to see the entire town from your balcony or taking walks up the mountain so you can see the entire area around the town is something I really love. But I don't like high, unsafe places where you can fall down - they give me a fear of heights. I like it on the extreme edges - either up in the heights, like the top of a bunk bed, an apartment in an attic, on the top of a mountain, or onboard an airplane, or somewhere on the bottom, like a very low bed or a matrass on the floor, an apartment in a basement, or just plainly somewhere under ground. Somewhere in the middle is something that rarely suits me. I love it when I find solutions to problems, but hate it when problems appear to be unsolvable. I love sitting under a warm blanket with something nice to eat and drink and just enjoy a good movie, a TV-serie or a game.

I'm also an obsessed collector, so my home is slowly drowning in things I'm collecting. KEYS is my main obsession, and I'd do almost anything to get more. I friggin love keys, and calling it an obsession is an understatement. Just ask anyone who knows me. But I collect other things as well, and even though keys are at the top of my love list, these things also got a room of their own in my heart: Ordinary playing cards, tarot cards, dice, gaming consoles, figurines of Wolves, felines, dragons, dragonflies, phoenixes, fairies and bears, Bayala figures, drawings of my characters, snake accessories, triquetra and crescent moon things and accessories, lego, and things that make me feel something special. I like my many treasure chests that contain all sorts of weird items that I like. So, yeah, I'm a bit of a hoarder.

In generally, I'm seen as a somewhat weird person with strange habits, or so I've been told. I can easily sit up until 3 AM and drink beer while I'm talking to my TV. You know, my TV is actually my best conversation partner. Sure, I do get a lot of strange answers from it, but I like it when I sit and shout things to it and serve funny and sassy comments to the things it show me. I talk to myself as well, but I do try to avoid that since even the smallest conversations tend to end up with nasty arguements where I get so angry that I give myself the silent treatment for days. That's why I always find other things to talk to. Like furniture, animals, trees, and whatever else I might trip over - some times quite literally. But talking to people? Eh, well, no. Every now and then my phobia against social contact kick in, so I'm not that good at talking to people. I'm shy and insecure, though I can be extremely good at hiding it by pretending to be confident and outgoing. Of course, I usually just end up with a panic and just spit out the first thing that comes to mind, and more often than not it tends to be the things I really shouldn't let escape my head. I've scared people away on several occassions with my weird comments, so talking to people can often end in a catastrophe (mraw?) on my part. I like flirting, but have a bad tendency to overdo it to the point where I give people the wrong impression. I'm really not a good people person, even though I pretend to be.

But I do say a lot of weird things, and have a tendency to blabber on uncontrollably. Especially when I drink. I have a big mouth, and when I drink it gets even bigger. and that's when I end up talking too much and all the strange things inside my head escape. Unfortunately. Writing is also something I like doing. I actually prefer it as a way to get things out of my head, instead of talking about it. I'm really not good at talking to people, especially about how I really feel. But I'm really good at avoiding talking about it! I tend to save it for blogs or whatever else I find to scribble things down on. My only problem is that when I first start writing about my thoughts and my feelings, I can't seem to stop. Too bad I can't say the same about the gazillion book projects I have. I'm really good at starting on them! But, all the stories I have in my head are hard to get out, so I usually just end up with the beginning. And then they get put away cause I get a writer's block, and I simply forget about them. Hopeless.

I'm hard to excite, in a lot of ways. I'm not exactly a sexual person, even though I pretend to be (I've got a dirty mind, everyone knows that), so sex is something I shy away from, but that's probably cause I do have a bit of a social phobia. Other than that, it's hard to get me excited in other ways. I do like a lot of strange things, but getting me to become so passionate about something that I dedicate all my time and energy to it is almost impossible. I tend to lose interest extremely quick, so my life consists mostly of projects that I've just started on and that'll probably never be finished. I wonder if I'm lazy? There's a possibility for it, when you think about how little I can get myself to do. But it's probably mostly cause I often have a hard time becoming really interested in something, and keeping that interest.

I have a lot of hopes and dreams, but I've more or less settled with the fact that most of them probably won't ever be fulfilled. And that's mostly because I haven't found the strength within myself to make them real, and nothing else. I can say a lot of harsh and bad things about the world, but it's not its fault that I can't make myself make reality of my dreams. It's my fault alone. But I have figured out that if I am ever to realize any of the things I dream of, I firstly need to figure out exactly what I dream of, and who I really am.

And, THAT is exactly the real meaning behind this new blog of mine. It's a way for me to document my steps down the road of finding myself once more. Cause, after everything I've been through in my life, and especially the last year with the many changes that happened in my life and the love of my life more or less stepping on my heart and killing me, I've realized that I have no idea who I am anymore. I died, and I'm not coming back to life again. So, as I set my goal for 2012, and deciding that I am going to use this year to find myself, and to finally sort things out within myself and in my life, I make this blog to have a place to write it all down. Having something like this to look back on when you need to be reminded of how far you've walked is.. Well, it's a good idea. And, I'll try to update this blog at least once a week, most likely every sunday.

So, walk with me.
Be by my side as I try to answer the biggest question in my life;
who am I?