Well, it's starting to show that all I do is eat and sleep now. These past couple of weeks I've gained 5 kg, at least the last time I checked. I've probably gained more, and it's not hard to see. I had to laugh when I looked myself in the mirror yesterday. I look like I'm pregnant.
I've gotten a few comments, but I don't really care. I've never been one to care all that much about my weight, or how I look. All around me I hear people complaining about them being fat and how they need to go on diets, and I just stand there and don't really know what to say to them all when they tell me. I've never been on a diet. Not even in that period some years back when I was actually pretty fat and everyone told me I HAD to go on a diet. I didn't care.
People tell me they envy that about me; how I can be so sure of myself and be happy about the way I look. That's probably because I'm not that honest about it. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I can't care. If I care, it'll kill me. It'll drive me insane. So it's better not to care.
Sure, the honest truth is that I don't think being overweight is ugly. And truth be told, what everyone else considers to be overweight is what I consider to be average. It annoys me how everyone use those superskinny supermodels as the image of perfect weight. It's ridicules. That's not even pretty, cause they look like they've been starved, so comparing people to them is an insult to normal and healthy people. But yeah, most of my friends who claim to be fat are average in my eyes. And I actually think it's prettier to have a little extra, so people considered to be overweight look beautiful in my eyes. But that's my opinion. So I don't mind it when I gain weight. Besides, I'm far too lazy to do anything about it anyway, so why bother freaking out about gaining weight.
No, when I say I don't care about the way I look, it's not my weight I think about. It's generally my appearance. I know I'm not pretty. I've always known. I've never, in my entire life, considered myself to be a pretty girl. I am, at best, average. Sure, I'm not ugly either, that I know, but I'm not pretty. That's something I had to accept early on in life, and learn to live with. So I don't really care about how I look. I make up for it in other ways, mainly through my personality. That's how I appear attractive and charming. And I dress to express how I am on the inside, to make people look passed how I look on the outside. So, by combining my personality with the way I dress and do my makeup and hair, I manage to appear pretty and attractive, instead of plain and boring.
Sure, yeah, there's a part of me that wish I could be really beautiful, in a way that takes people's breath away, but that's just that silly part of me that is starved on love and attention, so I pay it little mind. I mean, every girl wants to be beautiful. That's just normal. But I've stopped hating myself for not being pretty. I'm okay with being average. The upside of it is that I am in the middle, in that area of gray. Which means I can, through different means, tip either way towards both black and white. I can appear to be both ugly, as well as pretty, just by using the right makeup and charms, among other things. So yeah, it's not that bad, being average.
Also, I always keep in mind that we all have different taste. One day I'll meet someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and I'll end up taking their breath away, simply because I fit their taste. And I look forward to that moment, with every single part of me. It'll be a moment worth waiting for.
And until then, I'll keep expressing who I am on the inside through the way I act and the way I dress. I may not be pretty, but I have my ways of making people think that I am. And that's good enough for me.
