The way I look

Well, it's starting to show that all I do is eat and sleep now. These past couple of weeks I've gained 5 kg, at least the last time I checked. I've probably gained more, and it's not hard to see. I had to laugh when I looked myself in the mirror yesterday. I look like I'm pregnant.

I've gotten a few comments, but I don't really care. I've never been one to care all that much about my weight, or how I look. All around me I hear people complaining about them being fat and how they need to go on diets, and I just stand there and don't really know what to say to them all when they tell me. I've never been on a diet. Not even in that period some years back when I was actually pretty fat and everyone told me I HAD to go on a diet. I didn't care.

People tell me they envy that about me; how I can be so sure of myself and be happy about the way I look. That's probably because I'm not that honest about it. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I can't care. If I care, it'll kill me. It'll drive me insane. So it's better not to care.

Sure, the honest truth is that I don't think being overweight is ugly. And truth be told, what everyone else considers to be overweight is what I consider to be average. It annoys me how everyone use those superskinny supermodels as the image of perfect weight. It's ridicules. That's not even pretty, cause they look like they've been starved, so comparing people to them is an insult to normal and healthy people. But yeah, most of my friends who claim to be fat are average in my eyes. And I actually think it's prettier to have a little extra, so people considered to be overweight look beautiful in my eyes. But that's my opinion. So I don't mind it when I gain weight. Besides, I'm far too lazy to do anything about it anyway, so why bother freaking out about gaining weight.

No, when I say I don't care about the way I look, it's not my weight I think about. It's generally my appearance. I know I'm not pretty. I've always known. I've never, in my entire life, considered myself to be a pretty girl. I am, at best, average. Sure, I'm not ugly either, that I know, but I'm not pretty. That's something I had to accept early on in life, and learn to live with. So I don't really care about how I look. I make up for it in other ways, mainly through my personality. That's how I appear attractive and charming. And I dress to express how I am on the inside, to make people look passed how I look on the outside. So, by combining my personality with the way I dress and do my makeup and hair, I manage to appear pretty and attractive, instead of plain and boring.

Sure, yeah, there's a part of me that wish I could be really beautiful, in a way that takes people's breath away, but that's just that silly part of me that is starved on love and attention, so I pay it little mind. I mean, every girl wants to be beautiful. That's just normal. But I've stopped hating myself for not being pretty. I'm okay with being average. The upside of it is that I am in the middle, in that area of gray. Which means I can, through different means, tip either way towards both black and white. I can appear to be both ugly, as well as pretty, just by using the right makeup and charms, among other things. So yeah, it's not that bad, being average.

Also, I always keep in mind that we all have different taste. One day I'll meet someone who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and I'll end up taking their breath away, simply because I fit their taste. And I look forward to that moment, with every single part of me. It'll be a moment worth waiting for.

And until then, I'll keep expressing who I am on the inside through the way I act and the way I dress. I may not be pretty, but I have my ways of making people think that I am. And that's good enough for me.

Sorry, no entry today

Yeah. To continue where I left off in my last entry; I'm fucking exhausted. To the point where I want to take a small vacation and just go somewhere else for a couple of days. Doesn't even matter where, as long as it's anywhere but here.

Right now, I'm too exhausted to even bother with typing up a proper entry for the last week. I haven't really done anything interesting lately anyway, besides eating and sleeping. That's just about what my life has been reduced to. So, yeah.

I think I need a really loooong rest, so I can get back into business again.

Exhausted

I am absolutely exhausted. I think that's the right word I can use to describe it. I'm not tired or sleepy, like how you get when you've done lots of things or haven't slept enough. I'm just completely drained. And I have no idea why.

This has been going on for about or month or so now, and I find it extremely weird. I'm familiar with this kind of lack of energy, but it's something I used to struggle with back when I was heavily depressed. If you've had even a mild depression, then you probably know what I'm talking about. You're tired all the time, despite sleeping a lot and not doing much, and just getting out of bed seems like the hardest thing ever. I've always been fond of sleeping, but I could sleep for days back when I was depressed, and still be too tired to do anything. And that's what I'm dealing with now.

The problem is that I'm not depressed. Quite the opposite, actually, cause I am happy for the first time ever, and things are going great! So why I'm exhausted in that depressed kind of way is just beyond me. Everything makes me tired, which is kind of frustrating. Just going to town with mum is enough to send me into a coma when I get home, and these past weekends I've had to try and sneak home early when I've been out cause I just want to go home and go to sleep.

I had that problem yesterday as well, cause I had been tired all day, and I originally planned to just stay home and relax and go to bed early. But my lovely crew of friends wanted me to come out with them, so I caved and did. I had fun though! So I don't regret it. But I was so tired that I wanted to leave before they closed, and I almost had to plead with people to have them let me leave. And when I came home, a friend of mine was sleeping outside my door.. Now, he's one of my best friends, and I love him to death, and normally he's no trouble for me. He's a stubborn fuck, but I don't mind arguing with him on a normal day. Whenever he's out, he tends to walk home, no matter how drunk he is, and even though he always makes it home (he's got a skill for that), I always worry. So, normally I'll force him to get his ass on the couch and stay the night until he's sobered up. But, yesterday I was so exhausted that I didn't have the energy for that. I just let him leave. I felt bad, but I honstly was too exhausted to deal with him, or anything else for that matter. I crawled right into bed and called a friend of ours and told her what was going on, so that she'd maybe try and take care of him. Thank heavens for good friends.

But, yeah, this is becoming a rather serious problem for me, cause being this exhausted all the time is starting to seriously interfere with my life. I can't go out and have fun all night like I want to, I can't be there for my friends when they need me, I can't get things done around me. Hell, I can hardly make it out of bed in the morning! So, I'm considering trying to get an appointment to the doctor next week, to get a proper checkup and see if we can figure out why I'm so exhausted. Maybe it's just some vitamine shortage that can easily be fixed by taking vitamins? Or of it's something psychological, then I can at least try and sit down and figure out what's going on in my head and maybe fix things that way.


I wonder if it's related to my hunger problem? Cause I am hungry all the time as well. And I mean all the time. I eat a big dinner, and half an hour later I'm hungry again. If anyone talks about food near me, I get hungry. If I smell food I get hungry. I'm always hungry! It's super-annoying, cause having to make dinner every hour or so is tiresome and expensive.

My body is definitely going haywire. And the chaotic and strange dreams I've been having lately tells me that my head is just as bad. Seriously, what is going on with me? I've been like this for weeks now! I can feel that something's happening inside me, but I have no idea what.


Maybe it's just springtime affecting me? Or is it something else...?
To be honest, I haven't the slightest idea.