Ex-traterrestrial

Love is a dificult area for me, in many ways, and even though I claim to be a romantic person who believes that love conquers all, I have to admit that usually I hate it. But that's mostly because I've never had much luck in it. I've been stepped on, lied to, used, and hurt more than I could ever describe. I've got scars in me, caused by love, and some of these scars have left me uncapable of moving on with my life.

My worst scars are ones I have gathered from the same person through 15 years of love, and I am currently going through "rehab" to try and get over her and move on with my life. So, this entry will be about the one person I fear the most when it comes to love; my ex.



We were... Everything. We were as close as sisters, best friends, soulmates, lovers, and whatever else we felt like being. We shared worlds between us, and in all my life there have never been anyone I have allowed to come closer to me than her. She knew me, every part of me, and I gave her all of me. I gave her my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. She had every single part of me in the palm of her hand. And she ruined me.

Let's start at the beginning of things.

When my mother met the man she's now married to - my stepdad, whom I've called daddy for as long as I've known him - I gained an entire family. I was about 11 years of age when she met him, and that was when I first met his younger cousin, who was about a year younger than me. And I fell instantly in love with her. We became the best of friends in no time, and as time passed we learned to share everything between us. Even sex. And I came to love her so deeply and intensely, that I became addicted to her. I couldn't live without her. I couldn't do anything unless she was there with me.

Few people liked the close relationship me and her had. They told us it was unhealthy. That we spent too much time together. And that we were bad for eachother. Well, actually, for as long as I've known her, people have told me to stay away from her cause she was a bad person. That she'd only use me. That she was selfish and mean. That she was a psychopath.
A lot of people told me all sorts of bad things about her, and I told them all to shut up. They didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't know her like I did. Sure, she could appear both selfish and cruel to outsiders, but I always knew it to be nothing but a defence against the world who had treated her badly. She was fragile, in truth, and I needed to protect her. And I truly wanted to do anything for her.

The teenage years with her were chaotic and fantastic. We had fun. And I cherish those years as the most valuable time in my life. We really did everything together. And as the days passed, we spun stories together and opened portals into other worlds we could explore together. It was the time of my life, and with each passing day my love for her grew stronger.

It was the year I turned 18 that things started to change. The day after my birthday, she finally spoke the words I had waited years to hear. She wanted us to try being in a relationship. She wanted to be my girlfriend. And two months passed like that, and I was as happy as can be. Until she cheated on me. With a guy. It was years ago, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the day after, going to town, and a friend of mine wanted to introduce us to someone. She introduced me, and then she introduced my girlfriend, whom was holding hands with some guy. The looks they all gave me. I can still feel the pain of it. Later, she blamed me for it all. Told me I had approved of her cheating by leaving her alone with the guy. The truth of that was that I couldn't stand to watch how they were flirting in front of me, so I just left to spare myself the pain. I was also told, later, by her, that she had been making out with some other random guy at a party, while we were together. Adding more salt to my wounds, it did. Her excuse, from that moment on, was that she wasn't made to be with one person. I just had to accept that. And that was the end of our short relationship.
Later that year, everything in my life became chaotic. New friends, trouble, arguements, and some random guy from another town that I somewhat fell for. It was first just to see if I could make her jealous, since making her jealous by spending time with other friends didn't help, but it developed further than that. And as the friendship between me and her cracked, I moved away to be with him in his town. And she started getting into serious trouble, and drugs. Everything that had been between us, came to an end. And my years of misery began.

6 years I lived in that town, and those years were the worst years of my life. I was with him for a year, before finally managing to break free from him. He never abused me physically, but the mental torture he put me through drove me over the edge. That on top of dealing with the loss of her, the love of my life, made me insane. I had periods where I saw and heard things that weren't there, and my split personality issues became worse than ever. And every single day, I thought of her. I missed her. And still loved her.
I met some other guy, and eventually moved in with him. 4 years we lived together, me and him, and I just got worse. My depression worsened, and my anxiety grew. And still I longed for her. Every day. And that, on top of my mental health, and the fact that the guy I was living with was anything but mature, put a heavy strain on our relationship. Of course, the fact that I was trying hard to deny and ignore my sexuality didn't exactly make it any easier. In the end, we didn't last. And the same year I broke up with him, I met her again.

My mother had kept me somewhat updated on her every now and then, since she was my stepdad's cousin. I knew she had been doing drugs, that she had a son, and that she had been very seriously ill. The drug abuse nearly killed her. When I met her again, on the 1st of May 2008, she was still sick, but she was clean. We met in town, we hugged, we walked around and talked, and suddenly things were like before. She came and visited me several times, and I visited her, as if those years without eachother had never been at all, and the year after I decided to move back to my home town so I could be closer to her. Once more, the things we had shared came back to us, and we were closer than ever. And my addiction flared up worse than before. I needed her. And people told me she was like a drug for me. Whenever I got a dose of her, I was as high as could be, but if days passed and we didn't talk I'd get irritated and depressed. I was seriously addicted to her. I could harly breathe without her. And as our relationship became even closer than before, and we were more mature and things got more serious, we decided to try once more to have a proper relationship.

It was sometime in the spring of 2009, and we lasted all summer. It was the best time of my life, really. I finally had the love of my life as my own, and I treasured every single moment of it. Sure, things were up and down, but I couldn't be happier. I could show the world that she was mine. I could kiss her in the middle of town, hold her hand as we walked around in public. I could show the entire world that I loved her, and feel no shame about it. And, you know, I even believed that she loved me back. We were happy together. Even joked about getting married, and having kids. My biggest dream is to become a mom, and since she couldn't have any more kids because of her back problems, I would be the one to carry the child. I was so happy.

But, of course, it didn't last. Her ex came to town - the father of her son - and it immediately became clear to me that something was off. She had told me so many times how much pain he caused her, how he abused her, and how broken he left her, so I hated him before I even met him. He was a psychopath, according to her. And as he came and we spent time together, she couldn't keep her hands off him. They were flirting openly, in front of me, and when I came to visit and she was sitting on his lap, I reached my limit. It was too much. Things got tense between us, awkward, and when he left we talked about it. We didn't talk much, but I had to ask her if she still loved him. And she told me she did. And that she'd always love him. It was painful to hear, so when I left that day, the air was heavy around us. We didn't speak for days, but I was told that he had been visiting her every day, from morning until night. I said that it was only because he was visiting his son, but people just shook their heads at me.
Finally, I had to confront her about it, so I asked her to come over so I could talk to her. The 11th of September 2009. And I told her how I felt, and I asked her if she could please keep her hands off him. She told me she couldn't. So I told her that she had to choose then. Me or him. And she told me she couldn't, and left me. She said she couldn't choose, but she did so anyway. She chose to leave me. To end our relationship. All just to keep whatever it was she had with him.

She broke my heart. And she broke me.

After that, I completely lost my foothold in life. I fell over a nasty edge, and finally gave in to all the mental problems I had been trying to fight off. I didn't have her there, so I had no need to stay sane anymore. Of course, as time passed, our friendship still stayed in place, and we remained as close as ever. But the pain of her "dumping" me like that never left. She left another nasty scar on me. And my insanity took a nasty control of me from that moment on. 2010 became one of the worst years ever, sanity wise. I even got submitted to a mental clinic, though I didn't stay long. I couldn't handle being there.

Me and her stayed friends. I came and lived with her several times, and she took care of me. My addiction to her was stronger than ever, to the point where I felt like I would die if she left me. I loved her so deeply. She was everything to me. And living with her, and her son, was like a dream come true. Even if we weren't together in an official relationship, we still shared everything between us. We were lovers, friends, and everything in between.

Things were up and down, back and forth. But as I finally managed to become well, mentally, last year, things got more intense between me and her. Spring and summer became the most treasured time of my life. We became even closer than before, and we were starting to speak openly about feelings and things like that. She even told me, up front, that she loved me, and couldn't stay away from me. But that she couldn't be with me like that, because she couldn't handle being in a relationship. And I respected that. I loved her too much to push her, so we stayed lovers and friends. And I did anything for her. People hated me for dedicating all of my time to her. I neglected my family and friends for her sake. I never made appointments, in case she needed me. Everything I did, was for her. And, you know, after she had told me that she loved me, and things had become so intense between us, I started to hope. Hope that one day her feelings for me would help her overcome her issues with relationships, so that we could be together. And I thought about proposing... Even looked up rings.

Then something happened. She had a mental breakdown. Things from her past caught up to her, and things got bad. The night it happened, I was staying with her, and we fought pretty hard. I'm glad I'm stronger than her, or she would've beaten me up pretty badly. She did try. In the end, I had to give up and just leave. The day after she couldn't remember anything, and she was so out of it that they had to send her to a mental clinic. She had totally lost it. And I despaired. The love of my life, broken. And I could do nothing to help. In time, she got better, and came home, and I stayed with her. She had her ups and downs, until she finally had another breakdown. I moved back home after a while, due to some personal things, and because she had more or less asked me to, and our contact was up and down. There were periods of constant contact, and dry periods with none.

Then her birthday came, and I spent the weekend at her place to celebrate with her. We went out to dinner with our mothers, and after that we went out on town together. Drinking and dancing together, and just having fun. And then she met some random guy, and the two of them were all over eachother. She even told me straight up how fantastic he was, and that she was falling in love with him. It was like getting shot. After a while, I excused myself and just left. I couldn't take it. Watching her glued to him like that was just too painful. So I went back to her place and made the beds, and waited for her. But she never came. I didn't even get a text. So when the morning came, I got worried, and texted her. She came home shortly after that, and I learned that she had spent the night with him. And all she could talk about was him. I could feel something shattering inside of me, every time she mentioned him. But we spent her birthday together, and I went home the next day.

We didn't talk for a while after that. I was nursing some wounds, and she was... Well... Busy. Met her in town once, cause she asked me to come meet her, and we had a cup of coffee and talked about random stuff. Other than that, we didn't really have much contact. And then, I find out after reading some comments on a status of hers on Facebook that she has a boyfriend. And I go into shock. The very next day, she changes her status from "single" to "in a relationship" with the guy she met out on town that night. Needless to say, I was heartbroken. I completely shattered. I had been living on her words, and the belief that she actually did love me. That she couldn't be with me because she couldn't handle being in a relationship. And then I get this thrown in my face. She was in a relationship with a guy she met two weeks earlier. Can you imagine how I felt? I had loved that woman for 15 years, and done absolutely everything for her. I dedicated my entire being to her, hoping and praying that one day she'd see that I was the one. And then this. She didn't even tell me. We were best friends and lovers, and she didn't even tell me that she was with him. I found out through Facebook.

I felt used. I felt like I had been lied to. And I felt absolutely worthless. My world crumbled, and I cried for days. I blogged about it, cause I needed someplace to write down my pain. I never mentioned names, nor even what had really happened, but I wrote that I was in pain. I poured out my hurt, because I had nowhere else to put it. It was too painful to keep it inside. And after publishing that blog entry, I get a text from her. "I have no words. I can't believe what I am reading. So tell me straight up; what the fuck?!" She was mad at me. Mad at me for what? For having my heart broken, and writing about it? I don't know. But she was mad, and I was too hurt to even answer her. A couple of days later, I get a new text, asking me to come pick of all my things. It was clear that she wanted me out of her life.

I had my parents pick up my things from her, cause quite honestly I couldn't handle seeing her. She broke my heart that time she broke up with me a couple of years back, but that was nothing compared to this. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. I saw her again once after that, when she came by to drop off the rest of my things and to claim back her house key and give me back mine. She was as cold as ice and as hard as stone when she dropped of my bags and demanded hers. In the end, she was just glad to be rid of me. After all those years, and all the things we had shared, she kicked me out of her life and turned her back on everything.

I haven't talked to her since.

It's been almost three months since all this, and I'm going through rehab. My addiction for her was stronger than anything else, and learning to live without her have been hard. People have been extremely supportive, though they all have said the same; "we told you so." They all had told me for years that she was selfish and cruel, and only using me. That she was bad for me, and that she treated me badly. That she was a psychopath that couldn't be trusted. And all those years, I had turned a blind eye to all that and just continued loving her no matter what. I let her get away with everything she ever did towards me, making excuses on her behalf all the time. Standing up for her and protecting her as best I could, all the while sacrificing myself and my feelings. And my own needs. The only thing that ever mattered to me, was her happiness. And that I could be a part of her life.



I still love her. I always will, unfortunately. She taught me that. She taught me that when you truly love someone with all of your being, you never stop loving them. And she taught me that without even knowing it herself. She taught me through my own feelings for her. She made me realize. So I know. I know I'll always love her, despite how she has treated me.

But forgive her? No. Not this time. She stepped over my boundaries. Boundaries I didn't even know I had. So this time I won't be able to forgive her. I wish her all the best, and I hope she's happy now, but I can't forgive her for ruining me like this. Do she even know what she has done? I doubt it. Does she even care? I doubt that too. If she ever did love me, that love wasn't worth much, judging by her actions. She's through with me, and that's that. And I will never, ever sacrifice myself for her sake ever again. When this is the result, it's just not worth it.


Someone asked me a while back, what I'd do if she ever came crawling back to me. Truthfully? I don't think she ever will. In her eyes, she has done nothing wrong, so why should she? I'm the bad guy here, after all. But, if against all odds, she did seek me out? I'd welcome her. I'd welcome a friendship. If she truly knew how badly she had treated me, and were truly sorry for it. Then yes, we could be friends once more. But I would never give her any part of myself. Not ever. It took me 15 years, but now I have finally learned my lesson. Never trust her with my heart.

And because of all this, I fear I'll never be able to trust anyone with my heart.