Family and Sexuality

I'm a day late with my weekly blog update, but all of yesterday disappeared into oblivion somehow. Lots of working, spending time with my family, and trying hard not to focus on today's appointment at the hospital. Which was, by the way, absolutely horrible. Getting a camera on a cable shoved down my throat isn't something I'll be doing again, that's for sure. The real unpleasant part is how my body tensed as I tried to throw it up, but couldn't since the damned thing was already deep down in my intestines. Not. Doing. That. Again. So there.

Anyway, back to the usual schedule.

This entry is the last of the sum up entries, as February is closing in and I'm about to start that journey of mine into 2012, and a better life. And I figured I'd talk about my family, which is an important part of my life, and my sexuality, which is a constant annoyance to me.



I have a very deep and close relationship to my closest family members, and they really do mean the world to me. I'd do anything for them, and if anyone dare hurt them then they've made an enemy for life. This inner circle of mine is my mum, of course, my dad (whom is actually my stepdad, but I've called him daddy for years), my younger brother, my two younger sisters, and my grandparents (my stepdad's parents, that is). But they are also the only ones that I do allow into that circle of mine, and whom I'd do anything for. Got a rather good relationship to one of my cousins, whom I party a lot with, but that's about it. The rest of my family... Well, I don't really get along with them all that well.

My biological father is just that; my biological father. I've had a bad relationship to him for as long as I can remember, and even though I tend to forgive him his idiocy, I don't think I'll ever trust him. What little I remember of my childhood with him is how much he drank, cursed, beat his dog, and basically scared the living shit outta me. I used to cry when my mum sent me off to stay with him, cause I was certain he'd end up killing me and my sisters (we have the same father, but not the same mum, so we used to stay with him every other weekend). I was deathly afraid of him, even though he never laid a hand on us. And still I loved him, because he was my father, and I trusted him when he made me promises that he eventually ended up never keeping. He hurt me. Over and over again. And he taught me never to trust a man.
I do care for him, of course, and I talk to him every now and then. He's my father, after all. I'm not afraid of him anymore, cause I know he's just a silly little man, nor do I get sad when he breaks a promise. I've learned to accept that that's just the way he is. But, I carry a lot of anger and sadness inside me because of him, that I have yet to deal with, and it's not good for me. One day, I will have to confront him and tell him of all this pain he has caused me, if only for the sake of me learning to put it all behind me.

The rest of the father's side of the family? They've always looked down on me. They're "noble people" and no one is as good as them. And when I've struggled with my self-esteem most of my life, I tend to just stay away from them. I have an uncle who's a real business man, stuck up and on his high horse, whom I care very little for, and a pair of grandparents that always serve me sarcastic comments that makes me feel bad. I don't think they really mean to be mean, but that's how they end up being. It's just how they are. I do care for them, I'll admit that, but visiting them is unpleasant so I avoid doing so. People think badly of me for not visiting my own grandparents, but I'd rather be seen as a mean grandkid than hear how much of a failure I am as a person.

My mother's side of the family is in a league of it's own, and I've struggled all my life with accepting them. My grandfather is dead, unfortunately, and he was one of the few that I liked. My grandmother is... Well, I want to like her, but I just can't. Not after all the things she has done towards my mum. No one has ever hurt my mum more than her, and I will never forgive her for it. And my mum's sisters, my two aunts... I tried to accept them for mum's sake, but now I'm just fed up with them. The way they've treated my mum, after everything she's done for them, makes me sick to my stomach. I know, better than anyone else in this world, how much mum has sacrificed for their sake. To help them. I know, cause I had to suffer for it. I hated the phone. Whenever it rang, it was them, needing something, and mum had to leave. And I was left behind, alone. My grandmother was a drunk, mum's youngest sister was as crazy as can be, and her oldest sister was a drug addict, and every time something went wrong they called my mother to have her fix it. And today, they claim that mum never did anything for them.
I will never, ever forgive them for that. They ruined my childhood, and now they can stand there and claim nothing of it happened? They've hurt my mum, badly, and nothing in the world can ever make me forgive them for that. So, yeah, I don't really have much of a relationship to my family.

But, you see? My inner circle is everything to me. I never forgive those who hurt them, and I'll do anything to protect them. That's how I am. The people I love is my world, and there is little I wouldn't do for them if they ever asked me. I protect mine. But those outside that circle? I tolerate them. But if they step over the line, then they've made it on to my list of people I don't get along with at all. People I'll never forgive. I may forgive even the worst of things that people do against me, but I never forgive those who hurt my loved ones.

And that's just how it is.



Putting that behind us, I'mma drag out a pretty different subject; my freaky sexuality.

Why would I talk about that? Well, becuase it's been one of my biggest annoyances all my life. Me and my sexuality, we just don't get along that well.

For some strange reason, I really want to put it in a box, and say that this is what I am. Which is why I've settled with telling people that I am a lesbian. Which is semi-true, and the easiest way to explain things. But, it's still not 100%, and that bothers me! I'm not a lesbian! Not entirely. But no, I'm not bisexual either, nor pansexual. And I'm far from straight, I can tell you that right away. After 27 years, I still don't really know what I am.

Some people claim that I am closet-straight, which is just ridicules. Me? Straight? I mean, come on. I haven't flown straight since I was 5 years old, so they're way off course there. Mum is pretty sure that I am pansexual, which is pretty nice. That's what I've always wanted to be, cause pansexuality is what I believe to be the "best" sexuality out there. You don't like someone based on their gender, but on their personality (a quick wikipedia link about pansexuality). It's pretty nifty, and way better than being bisexual, which is what a lot of people have believed me to be for many years. I've been in long relationship with both men and women, and had sexual relationship with both genders, so I've been a bit all over the place. But in the end, I still struggle.

I do feel a lot better about things after settling on being a lesbian, and telling people that. Which was something I settled on as late as early last year. But it still don't feel right. I mean, I can get attracted to both men and women, and go as far as fall in love with both, but that's where the similarities end.

When it comes to men, I'm very picky. Few men fall under my category of good looking, and even fewer fall under the category of having a good personality. And, of course, those that fall under both categories are rare specimens indeed. And most of them are game/anime/movie characters. Oh, if some of them had been real, and available for me, then I'd go for it, no doubt! But they're not. And when it comes to real men, I'm as picky as can be. Sure, I can flirt with them, and enjoy spending time with them, and even go as far as to kiss them! But that's where I draw the line. If it gets more intimate than that, then I freak out. I panic. And every single part of me tells me that this is wrong, and that it needs to stop. And if I ever do go as far as to have sex with a man, I feel filthy and disgusting afterwards, and feel like I've done something wrong. I generally have a problem with men touching me. It's just... Wrong.
Of course, male friends that I like and trust, I don't mind if they touch me, snuggle with me, or even kiss me. I'm okay with that. Because I've managed to get to a point where I feel safe around them. But strangers I don't feel safe around? If they touch me, I almost feel like throwing up. So yeah, even though I tend to have a rather big mouth and flirt around a lot with random guys, I never want to take it very far. Because, when it's not intimate, it's not real.

As for women... Oh, my, how I love women. I find something pretty in almost every woman I see, and a pretty female face is enough to render me speechless and redfaced. Of course, I'm picky when it comes to personality, so I don't fall in love with every woman I see. But as for looks... Seriously, the world is drowning with gorgeous women, and I could spend the rest of my life just staring happily at them all. Oh, and how I love flirting with them. And cuddling them. Kissing them. And, ah, you know... Hehe, I really love women. I am, however, not the wildcat everyone believe me to be! Yes, I've had my share of women in my bed, but that don't mean I'm confident. Hell, I'm as shy as can be in bed, and I'm constantly afraid of not being good enough. When I like a woman, I want so badly to please her, but at the same time I'm almost afraid of her. I'm really, seriously, shy. And I mean supershy. I may be strong and dominant on all other areas, but when it comes to sex I'm as submissive, unsecure and shy as can be. And that's the plain truth.

So yeah, I confuse myself. I'm never shy around men, and I don't mind playing sexy and dominant with them in bed, though I'd rather avoid getting there with them in the first place cause intimate contact with men makes me feel bad. And I love women and can never get enough of them or their touch, but I'm so god damned shy around them that I always end up making a fool out of myself! What the fuck is wrong with me? In what way am I wired together? I seriously don't get it.

I know it's silly of me, cause in general I hate labels and boxes, but for some reason I have this burning need to box and label my own sexuality. But no matter how much I try, and ponder, and analyze, I just can't seem to figure out what I am. Can you?