Fucking confused

I really don't know what to say for this week's update, to be honest. I haven't really made any progress in my progressing plans, and my head's been acting up. And today I'm just hung over, lol. But, okay, I'll conjure up a weekly report.

I've finished my amazing list of things that needs to be done in 2012, and it's hanging neatly on my wall, but I haven't gotten around to actually doing anything about it. My home is still a chaotic mess unlike anything else, and my head is just as bad. This past week or so, my head has just completely disconnected, and I am having some huge problems trying to keep up with the world and reality in general. I'm completely out of it! But, on the bright side, I've started writing on my roleplay again, and the roleplay sessions on GaiaOnline (an online forum I'm a member of) have started again. That makes me really giddy, cause roleplaying really is a passione of mine. It's one of the few things that can get me excited, at least for a little while.
But, yeah, since my head has disconnected, I haven't really been able to do much of the things I've been supposed to be doing. Which is a tad annoying, I'll admit that. The only real thing I've managed to figure out about myself this past week is that when my head's not with me, I am pretty much useless in the real world. I can't keep up with it. And that's when writing and working on my roleplay is just about the only thing I can manage to focus on.

Another thing I learned this past week is that certain people piss me off so much that I kind of want to rip their throats off. I'm not a violent person, but the right kind of people makes me want to punch things. In this case, it's that god damned aunt of mine. My grandma ended up in the hospital earlier this week, with a stroke, and my aunt made so much drama out of it. And, she has decided that she's angry at mum, because mum is living in a world of "illusions" when it comes to their childhood and have said that she'd rather see grandma dead. The one living with illusions is definitely my aunt, and I just want to punch her god damned face in when I see her. I can't talk to her, cause if I do I'll just explode. I have so much anger in me when it comes to her, because of my childhood and how they've all treated my mum, and if that anger ever escapes then I'm pretty sure it'll cause disaster. But, I did manage to stand in the same room as her, while visiting grandma, without jumping at her throat. I'm pretty proud of that, I am.

A third thing I've learned, which is something I learned last night, is that I'm possibly playing a dangerous game with one of my closest friends, and I really need to stop it so no one gets hurt. He's the most adorable guy I know of - geeky and awkward, and reminds me so much of the character Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds - and I love snuggling on him. I feel comfortable around him, to the point where we kiss and tumble around a bit in bed when we're drunk. No sex, so far, though. I joke about him being my drunk boyfriend, cause whenever we're drunk we're acting like a couple. And I really do feel like we'd make the most awesome couple ever! We really would! But, even though I find him attractive, and I like tumbling around with him, it all comes down to one major issue: he's a man. In the end, I really don't want to be with a man. I do want to have sex with him, I'll admit that, but only once to get it out of my system. And kind of just to test myself and see if I still get that nasty aftertaste after having had sex with a guy. It's been about 3 years since I last tested that, and it was plain awful. And, he semi-forced me into it, which made the experience even worse at that time. So yeah, I really feel that I need to have a testrun with a man now, in my quest to figure out my sexuality.
The problem here is that my drunkboyfriend is a really, really good friend of mine, and apparently he's a bit smithen by me. He told me so himself, last night. And that.... Is a problem. Because, if I keep up this little game with him, he might actually develop feelings for me, and I'll end up hurting him. Which is something I really don't want to do. I already saw the signs last night, when we were at his place for the pre-party before going out. I sat between him and our driver (whom seems to be all over me, despite having a girlfriend), and apparently my drunk boyfriend was acting a bit jealous over the fact that me and our driver almost flirted. I didn't really mean to (I mean, I flirt with everyone, all the time, cause that's just how I am, and I never really mean much with it), and truth be told I was oblivious to everything going on right behind my back. Another friend of mine, my lovely bride-to-be (she's getting married this summer), had to drag me into the bathroom and tell me that the two guys were silently fighting over me. And dumb as I am, I hadn't noticed. It was a bit of a punch in the face, for several reasons. One thing is that I hadn't even noticed, another was that if my drunk boyfriend got jealous then that means there's feelings involved.

Argh! I'm not sure what to do about the situation. All I know is that I really can't use him for my own sick experimental reasons, so I need to stop being so intimate with him. I need to sit down and have a proper talk with him about this, though I'm not sure what to say. The last thing I want is for him to get hurt. But, I definitely need to solve this situation somehow. And I cannot, under any circumstances, have sex with him. If I really have that dying need to fuck a man to test myself, then I've got to find someone else to do it with. Someone without those kinds of feelings, so I won't have to break someone's heart. Someone who basically won't mind being my test subject. My god, I am such a disturbed person....


In the end, what I've learned so far in my little search for myself is that I am extremely confused, and basically just lost within the woods somewhere in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out, so this year will be a long road to walk down. This little quest of mine isn't one that'll be finished in one night, or week. It'll probably take me all year, as I originally planned. And... It'll be a confusing, yet hopefully interesting, year.