Drama and self-hypnosis

Took me just about forever, but now I'm finally getting my blog updated. I've had it at the back of my mind all day, but I've had such a busy day that I haven't had the time to actually sit down and do it. So now I'm just gonna start off with a quick update on things, before moving on to the actual entry.

I had an ex of mine visiting me today, which was surprisingly okay. Haven't seen him in years, though we talk on the phone every now and then, so actually meeting him again was nice. I also got it confirmed that I am indeed very much through with him, cause I wasn't nervous or uncertain in any way. It was just like having a friend over. And that felt good, cause now I know that even though I did care for him back then, he wasn't right for me. And no, males really do not interest me anymore. I am done with them, and have no reason to doubt that. I think I needed that confirmation, actually.

I also have one other thing I need to get off my mind, cause it bothered me all of yesterday and left me in a bad mood. Which is annoying, cause I shouldn't let things like these bother me, but maybe just writing about it will get it out of my mind.
I got some drama this weekend when I was at a party, and I didn't actually do anything wrong. See, last party I had at my place, I met a couple of guys that were really okay, and they stayed behind after everyone had left (they were driving, so they were both sober), and as they played lots of music for me, one of them had a moment of having his hand between my legs. Now, I didn't really react. I don't care about, nor do I get turned on by, a man having his hand between my legs. But, they played Disturbed for me, and THAT turns me on, and they found that entertaining.
So, the party I was at this weekend, was his party. And, at some point, he told some of the people at the party that I was the weirdest girl he knew, cause him having his hand between my legs didn't turn me on, but music did. We all found that hilarious, of course, and we partied on. I think it was mentioned a couple of times after that, and I just lol'd at it. Then, suddenly, his ex (whom was present at the party) apparently tells people to get me to leave, cause she can't stand my face. And the host, get this, tells me that he finds it inappropriate that I tell people that he had his hand between my legs when he had only had it on my thigh. I mean, seriously? And I just laugh at him and told him that he was the one who told people, not me, and he still tells me it is inappropriate. In the end, the entire thing just gets so freaky that I decided to leave and go out instead. I actually tried talking to his ex, and even apologize if I had done something wrong, but she just told me to gtfo.
The entire thing is just silly. Okay, apparently those two still has issues they need to clear up, since something like that causes that kind of drama. But dragging me into it, and blaming it all on me? That was just stupid. But what annoys me the most, is that I actually tried to aplogize. I hadn't done anything wrong, and still I tried to apologize. Why do I always do that? It's like I'm constantly begging for forgiveness for even existing! I hate that about myself. I hate how I crawl for others all the time. Cause, that's not even the real me. I do that to please everyone else. The real me? Would've told them to fuck off and stop dragging me into their problems. And that I let it get to me that she got mad at me, that really bugs me. Cause that's the crawling part of me, that's not real, that's still trying to take control.

So, yeah, apparently I still have trouble being myself.
Huge setback, that.

And this brings me on to my real blog entry.


I've had a lot to think about this past week, and of course the most visited thought is me trying to dig out the real me. It's not as easy as it seems, especially since the fake me is still fighting to stay in control so I won't disappoint people. I have moments where I literally want to physically hit myself with something hard and sharp, just to get me to snap out of that stupid state I'm in. I need to stop existing for the sake of everyone else! I need to exist for ME! I need to be selfish. I need to ignore what everyone else thinks. Or what I think they think. I need to focus on myself, and my own needs. My own feelings. My own desires. Me.

But it's difficult. And it annoys me that it's difficult. Something like that shouldn't be difficult. In my opinion. But, it is, and I just need to teach myself to work around it. Make it easy. And realize that it'll take time, and that I have that time it'll take. No need to rush things.

I am also working on a type of self-hypnosis, to teach myself that I'm not worthless. And, I think it's going pretty well. It has done wonders for my self-esteem, it has. Cause, you see, whenever I go to town, I usually walk around thinking things such as "everybody thinks I'm stupid and ugly, and they hate me, and I should've just stayed at home, I'm hopeless and worthless" and so on. My usual thoughts, as they have been for years. But, a while back I started telling myself things whenever I was in town, just repeating the same thoughts over and over again: "Man, I'm so awesome. I'm the most awesome chick in this entire town! Everyone who walks by me thinks I'm really hot, and that I look really interesting. And everyone who knows me, loves and admires me. I'm the fucking queen of this town!"
Lol, I know these are silly things to tell myself, but it is to counter those negative thoughts that I've struggled with all my life. And it works! I start to think that mabye I'm not as bad as I thought, and the moment I do that I perk up a bit. My entire vibe changes, and I project the image of being confident, which is something that people are attracted to. And, of course, then I get more people who looks at me and smiles when they walk passed, cause they do find my confidence attractive, which then gives me a confidence boost and helps me believe that, hey, maybe I'm not so bad after all.

I'm finally at a point where I am starting to believe that I'm actually worth something. That maybe, just maybe, I'm not stupid and ugly and hated by everyone. That, actually, I'm pretty okay. And when you've lived your entire life feeling absolutely worthless, getting to that point is so amazing that I can't even describe it with words.

And, yes, boosting my confidence makes it easier for me to try and dig myself out, and be the real me. So, all in all, I'm extremely pleased with my progress. I think I might just be on the right track here. And, I'm gonna keep this up. I am going to reach that point where I've managed to dig myself out, accepted who I am, learned to love that person, and finally be that person. And I am going to reach that point sometime during this year.

If I tell myself that long enough, it'll happen.
Self-hypnosis, baby! Self-hypnosis!

Partyparty and EX-traterrestrials

Still a bit sick, and today I'm hung over as well. Lol, shit happens. And then you apparently party naked. Or at least half-naked. Which tends to happen at my parties, for some strange reason. It's as if the entire vibe of my apartment invites people to get undressed. Not that I'm really complaining, cause it's always hilarious to watch people when they get to the point in the drinking that they start taking clothes of randomly. Fun times, fun times.

I've discovered something about myself, and that is that I tend to throw pretty crazy parties! People get undressed, everyone makes out with everyone, furniture gets broken, singing and dancing happens, and occassionally hitting eachother just for fun, and even biting. Aaaand, we tend to keep it going until the morning after. Which gets me little to no sleep, of course, but we do have a good time. Totally worth it.

You know, I've never really been much of a partier, aside from some few periods here and there, and just a year or so back in time I couldn't go out without my ex to latch on to. She really was my cage. But now, however, I am not really taking it easy. I'm out as often as I can, I usually get drunk as a pineapple, and I end up throwing huge after parties at my place. And I meet loads of new and exciting people! I'm social, I'm having fun, I'm drinking and dancing, and making a complete fool outta myself. Not to mention my amazing skill to facerape myself with posting all sorts of weird thoughts that run through my head on Facebook whenever I am out. It's, uhm... I've changed. No doubt about that.

Though I am still working on finding out if I've changed as a person, or if I'm just finally being who I am and have changed out of one of my masks. I'm hoping it's the latter, cause I enjoy this change. I enjoy going out and doing what I want. Cause that's one of the problems I have, that keeps me behind these masks; I've never dared to do what I want.

I notice it in the little things. How I make small excuses and don't tell people what's really on my mind, cause I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them. When someone asks me to come meet them, and I honestly want to just sit at home and work, my mind panics in search of some good excuse so I don't have to hurt their feelings by just saying that I don't feel like it. It's silly, I know, but I've always been like that. This past week, I've really been in a working mode, writing on things, and I've actually been really grateful that I've been sick. Cause, whenever people have asked me to come visit them, or something else that would require me to leave my work, I could just tell them truthfully that I was sick and couldn't go anywhere. Which is, by far, a better excuse than "no, sorry, I want to sit here and write things about a world that's fictional to everyone but me."

And what bugs me is that I actually want to say just that. I want to tell people exactly what's on my mind, and just be honest about what I really want. I've just never been able to. It kind of makes me feel stupid. And I'm wondering what good it's truly doing me, making up excuses so as not to hurt anyone. And what good it's doing any of them. How can they trust me, when I'm not being honest with them? I know it's a bit extreme to put it that way, but sometimes I need to have those extreme thoughts to make a point to myself. So that I might just understand how serious things are.

It's all a part of fighting to dig out the real me, and to trust myself enough to actually be that person that's the real me. I'm tired of being something I'm not. And I'm tired of people looking at me, and thinking that I am that something that I'm not.

I still got cages I need to break out of.


And speaking of cages. My ex have been visiting my mind a couple of times of late. You know, I haven't seen her for four months now. Ever since she dropped my things off here and claimed back her house key. I haven't even seen her online on Facebook since then. It's as if she has dropped off the face of the earth. Then, last Friday, I suddenly got a text message from her. Apologizing for bothering me, but she was wondering if I knew the name of some song and the artist who had it. Left me staring at my phone, it did, wondering what the fuck. She could've easily googled it, so why text me? Me, her ex girlfriend, and ex best friend, whom she threw out of her life after treating me pretty badly and breaking my heart. Why would she text me just to ask about something like that?

According to everyone else, she's apparently now trying to sneak back into my life because she can't stand that I'm actually doing well without her. I have positive status updates on Facebook, and have even changed my relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship". Which, by the way, was a hilarious semi-joke that caused a lot of fun reactions. I'm not really in a relationship. At least not with someone of our world... But, that's an inside thing, and no one else but me needs to know the real details behind it all. But, yeah, it's pretty much all over Facebook that I'm doing really good. And, of course, my lovely loved ones, is certain that she's seeing this and hating that she's not a part of it.

Honestly, I think that's just a load of bullshit. Yeah, sure, I know they all think she's a manipulative bitch and a psychopath that have taken advantage of me for as long as I've known her, and to some extent I have to admit that they do make some rather good points when they give me their proof of why they see her that way. But! I honestly don't see why she'd bother keeping an eye on me like they claim she is. I mean, that would actually mean that she, in some strange way, still care about me. And I just can't seem to get myself to belive that she does. I honestly have trouble believing that she ever cared about me. Besides, from what I can see, she has more or less quit Facebook, so I highly doubt she even sees my updates.

I don't believe that that text of hers was an attempt to get back in touch with me, like they all claim. Mum seems to think that she might even have seen that she has made an error, and is trying to fix things in her strange and twisted way. I think they just overthink things a bit too much. And by filling my head with their overthought thoughts, I end up thinking about her. Which is something I'm trying not to do.

Of course, I'll admit that things are a bit weird, especially after I suddenly got a friend request from her boyfriend a couple of days ago. I mean, that really made me put on my wtf-face. Why would he send me a friend request? I don't know him. The only time I've even seen him was that night out when she first met him. The only thing that connects us in any way, is that he's dating my ex. And me and her ain't friendly no more! The whole thing left me a bit baffled, I'll admit that.

But, you know, I think that FB probably suggested me cause we have some people in common on our friend list, and he just sent the request without even thinking about who I was. This is not a part of some evil plot that she has to gain control of me, like some people claim. That's just... Stupid. I didn't even respond, and I'm just gonna put the whole thing away on a shelf somewhere along with the text she sent me, and forget about it. I see no reason to let it gnaw on my brain.

If she, for some reason, want to get back into my life again, and actually makes a real and honest attempt at making amends (which would require her actually realizing that she's done something wrong, regret it, and then face it), then sure. I'd accept that attempt. But trust her and let her into my heart? That will never happen. Ever. It may sound cruel, but that's just the way it is. She fucked up. Bad. And I'm not gonna pretend it never happened.

But, right now, I've put her in a box and put her away. And that's that.


Besides, this year is all about me. I'm gonna learn to be selfish and keep my focus on myself and my own path, and work my way on finding the real me beneath my layers of masks. I'm gonna teach myself never to sacrifice myself for others, nor ignore my own needs to fulfil those of others. And I'm not going to let anything get in the way of that.

Cause, you know, the more I see of the person that is the real me, the more eager I get to get her out and show her off! And when I finally do get her out, I'm never, ever going to let her disappear again!

Distant motivation

A day late, again. But I've been sick with the flu, so I've spent the weekend with my parents. I get so focused on them when I'm there, so I'm hardly online at all, and this time I was battling a fever on top of it all, so the blog just had to be put on hold.


What I've been working on this past week, aside from a god damned flu, is my motivation. Cause I lack a lot of it. I know a lot of things I really, really want to do, but I lack the proper motivation and energy to actually get it done. They say that when you can't get anything done, it's cause you don't want it bad enough, but I find that to be bullshit. Man, there is so much that I want so badly that I'd almost be willing to kill for it, so that's not the problem. It's usually my energy-level that stands as a god damned wall in my way, and banging my head against it is enough to drive someone insane. I've got me, wanting something so badly, and then there's one part of me that has no energy to do it, and another that keeps saying that there's no reason to even try cause I'll probably fail. Arguing with myself, on a daily basis, kind of keeps me from walking forward. I swear, keeping control on myself is like running a god damned zoo!

But, yeah, I struggle a lot with forcing myself to do the things I want to do. I wonder why that is? Cause I've already established that it's not that I don't want it bad enough. Even after everything I've been through with myself lately, I still have trouble cooperating with myself. I fight a lot with myself. And that creates a massive hindrance in my path that I really need to somehow break down. I can't have this wall, blocking my way, keeping me from reaching my goals! Maybe it's time to sit down and have a proper talk with myself, and find out what I really want in life?

Oh, wait, wasn't that the point of this blog?
Lol, yeah, that it was.


Okay, so that aside, I've figured out something else this past week. And that is that I really, really want to move away from this town. Of course, I've known that for years (ever since I moved back here, really), but lately I've really learned to see exactly why I want to move.

When you are slowly working on finding yourself, and you realize that who you are is different than what you've been so far, then staying in the same place where everyone still sees you with those old eyes doesn't really help in any way. There are people around you, all expecting you to be that "character" you've been for as long as they've known you, and trying to live up to those expectations really comes in the way of being who you really are inside. You feel that being yourself will disappoint them, so you don't. You stay the same. For them. And you disappoint yourself.

You slowly work yourself into an evil circle, where you just hurt yourself.

Sure, many of my friends tell me that I've changed a lot these past months, and that I can't even be compared to who I used to be last year, and that they're all so proud of me for changing so much (though they all claim it's cause I managed to break out of the cage my ex kept me in). And I can't even begin to describe how good that makes me feel, cause then I know that the changes I've felt aren't my imagination. But they still see me with old eyes, and I keep trying to be the person they're used to, so I won't push them away by being someone else. In the end, that kind of haults my process.

I need to be seen with new eyes. Seen by people who didn't know the old me, the "character" I've been trapped behind all these years, and that don't expect me to be that person. Someone who can look beyond what used to be, and see me for who I truly am now! And no one of my friends, darling as they are, see that. They still see that old me. The fake me. And right now, I'm so desperate for someone to see the person that has been hiding beneath all that! I need to be seen! And I'm starting to feel that no one here will be able to. That I need to leave this place and go somewhere else to have someone see me. And that kind of saddens me a bit.

I can't afford to go anywhere right now. And, even if I did, I have nowhere to go. I can't sell my apartment for at least a couple of years, and I haven't found another town that I'd like to live in. Nor do I have anything to move to, cause my friends and family all live here. Yes, I do have friends elsewhere, but my closest ones don't even live in Norway, and that complicates things a bit. It's kind of depressing, to be honest. I feel so desperate to leave, and I have no means to.

I'd settle for a vacation, but even that I can't afford. I'm saving up for my two months stay with a friend of mine in Israel (if everything goes according to plan), but that trip is half a year away! And right now I feel that I need to go somewhere soon. I don't want to wait that long with getting distance from my old life and my old self. I need that distance now. I just don't know how to get it.


Maybe, if I got some distance, and someone saw me for who I am, I'd be able to find the motivation I've been lacking for so long? I don't know, but it's certainly a thought that keeps playing at the back of my mind.

Fucking confused

I really don't know what to say for this week's update, to be honest. I haven't really made any progress in my progressing plans, and my head's been acting up. And today I'm just hung over, lol. But, okay, I'll conjure up a weekly report.

I've finished my amazing list of things that needs to be done in 2012, and it's hanging neatly on my wall, but I haven't gotten around to actually doing anything about it. My home is still a chaotic mess unlike anything else, and my head is just as bad. This past week or so, my head has just completely disconnected, and I am having some huge problems trying to keep up with the world and reality in general. I'm completely out of it! But, on the bright side, I've started writing on my roleplay again, and the roleplay sessions on GaiaOnline (an online forum I'm a member of) have started again. That makes me really giddy, cause roleplaying really is a passione of mine. It's one of the few things that can get me excited, at least for a little while.
But, yeah, since my head has disconnected, I haven't really been able to do much of the things I've been supposed to be doing. Which is a tad annoying, I'll admit that. The only real thing I've managed to figure out about myself this past week is that when my head's not with me, I am pretty much useless in the real world. I can't keep up with it. And that's when writing and working on my roleplay is just about the only thing I can manage to focus on.

Another thing I learned this past week is that certain people piss me off so much that I kind of want to rip their throats off. I'm not a violent person, but the right kind of people makes me want to punch things. In this case, it's that god damned aunt of mine. My grandma ended up in the hospital earlier this week, with a stroke, and my aunt made so much drama out of it. And, she has decided that she's angry at mum, because mum is living in a world of "illusions" when it comes to their childhood and have said that she'd rather see grandma dead. The one living with illusions is definitely my aunt, and I just want to punch her god damned face in when I see her. I can't talk to her, cause if I do I'll just explode. I have so much anger in me when it comes to her, because of my childhood and how they've all treated my mum, and if that anger ever escapes then I'm pretty sure it'll cause disaster. But, I did manage to stand in the same room as her, while visiting grandma, without jumping at her throat. I'm pretty proud of that, I am.

A third thing I've learned, which is something I learned last night, is that I'm possibly playing a dangerous game with one of my closest friends, and I really need to stop it so no one gets hurt. He's the most adorable guy I know of - geeky and awkward, and reminds me so much of the character Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds - and I love snuggling on him. I feel comfortable around him, to the point where we kiss and tumble around a bit in bed when we're drunk. No sex, so far, though. I joke about him being my drunk boyfriend, cause whenever we're drunk we're acting like a couple. And I really do feel like we'd make the most awesome couple ever! We really would! But, even though I find him attractive, and I like tumbling around with him, it all comes down to one major issue: he's a man. In the end, I really don't want to be with a man. I do want to have sex with him, I'll admit that, but only once to get it out of my system. And kind of just to test myself and see if I still get that nasty aftertaste after having had sex with a guy. It's been about 3 years since I last tested that, and it was plain awful. And, he semi-forced me into it, which made the experience even worse at that time. So yeah, I really feel that I need to have a testrun with a man now, in my quest to figure out my sexuality.
The problem here is that my drunkboyfriend is a really, really good friend of mine, and apparently he's a bit smithen by me. He told me so himself, last night. And that.... Is a problem. Because, if I keep up this little game with him, he might actually develop feelings for me, and I'll end up hurting him. Which is something I really don't want to do. I already saw the signs last night, when we were at his place for the pre-party before going out. I sat between him and our driver (whom seems to be all over me, despite having a girlfriend), and apparently my drunk boyfriend was acting a bit jealous over the fact that me and our driver almost flirted. I didn't really mean to (I mean, I flirt with everyone, all the time, cause that's just how I am, and I never really mean much with it), and truth be told I was oblivious to everything going on right behind my back. Another friend of mine, my lovely bride-to-be (she's getting married this summer), had to drag me into the bathroom and tell me that the two guys were silently fighting over me. And dumb as I am, I hadn't noticed. It was a bit of a punch in the face, for several reasons. One thing is that I hadn't even noticed, another was that if my drunk boyfriend got jealous then that means there's feelings involved.

Argh! I'm not sure what to do about the situation. All I know is that I really can't use him for my own sick experimental reasons, so I need to stop being so intimate with him. I need to sit down and have a proper talk with him about this, though I'm not sure what to say. The last thing I want is for him to get hurt. But, I definitely need to solve this situation somehow. And I cannot, under any circumstances, have sex with him. If I really have that dying need to fuck a man to test myself, then I've got to find someone else to do it with. Someone without those kinds of feelings, so I won't have to break someone's heart. Someone who basically won't mind being my test subject. My god, I am such a disturbed person....


In the end, what I've learned so far in my little search for myself is that I am extremely confused, and basically just lost within the woods somewhere in my head. I have a lot of things I need to figure out, so this year will be a long road to walk down. This little quest of mine isn't one that'll be finished in one night, or week. It'll probably take me all year, as I originally planned. And... It'll be a confusing, yet hopefully interesting, year.