Partyparty and EX-traterrestrials

Still a bit sick, and today I'm hung over as well. Lol, shit happens. And then you apparently party naked. Or at least half-naked. Which tends to happen at my parties, for some strange reason. It's as if the entire vibe of my apartment invites people to get undressed. Not that I'm really complaining, cause it's always hilarious to watch people when they get to the point in the drinking that they start taking clothes of randomly. Fun times, fun times.

I've discovered something about myself, and that is that I tend to throw pretty crazy parties! People get undressed, everyone makes out with everyone, furniture gets broken, singing and dancing happens, and occassionally hitting eachother just for fun, and even biting. Aaaand, we tend to keep it going until the morning after. Which gets me little to no sleep, of course, but we do have a good time. Totally worth it.

You know, I've never really been much of a partier, aside from some few periods here and there, and just a year or so back in time I couldn't go out without my ex to latch on to. She really was my cage. But now, however, I am not really taking it easy. I'm out as often as I can, I usually get drunk as a pineapple, and I end up throwing huge after parties at my place. And I meet loads of new and exciting people! I'm social, I'm having fun, I'm drinking and dancing, and making a complete fool outta myself. Not to mention my amazing skill to facerape myself with posting all sorts of weird thoughts that run through my head on Facebook whenever I am out. It's, uhm... I've changed. No doubt about that.

Though I am still working on finding out if I've changed as a person, or if I'm just finally being who I am and have changed out of one of my masks. I'm hoping it's the latter, cause I enjoy this change. I enjoy going out and doing what I want. Cause that's one of the problems I have, that keeps me behind these masks; I've never dared to do what I want.

I notice it in the little things. How I make small excuses and don't tell people what's really on my mind, cause I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them. When someone asks me to come meet them, and I honestly want to just sit at home and work, my mind panics in search of some good excuse so I don't have to hurt their feelings by just saying that I don't feel like it. It's silly, I know, but I've always been like that. This past week, I've really been in a working mode, writing on things, and I've actually been really grateful that I've been sick. Cause, whenever people have asked me to come visit them, or something else that would require me to leave my work, I could just tell them truthfully that I was sick and couldn't go anywhere. Which is, by far, a better excuse than "no, sorry, I want to sit here and write things about a world that's fictional to everyone but me."

And what bugs me is that I actually want to say just that. I want to tell people exactly what's on my mind, and just be honest about what I really want. I've just never been able to. It kind of makes me feel stupid. And I'm wondering what good it's truly doing me, making up excuses so as not to hurt anyone. And what good it's doing any of them. How can they trust me, when I'm not being honest with them? I know it's a bit extreme to put it that way, but sometimes I need to have those extreme thoughts to make a point to myself. So that I might just understand how serious things are.

It's all a part of fighting to dig out the real me, and to trust myself enough to actually be that person that's the real me. I'm tired of being something I'm not. And I'm tired of people looking at me, and thinking that I am that something that I'm not.

I still got cages I need to break out of.


And speaking of cages. My ex have been visiting my mind a couple of times of late. You know, I haven't seen her for four months now. Ever since she dropped my things off here and claimed back her house key. I haven't even seen her online on Facebook since then. It's as if she has dropped off the face of the earth. Then, last Friday, I suddenly got a text message from her. Apologizing for bothering me, but she was wondering if I knew the name of some song and the artist who had it. Left me staring at my phone, it did, wondering what the fuck. She could've easily googled it, so why text me? Me, her ex girlfriend, and ex best friend, whom she threw out of her life after treating me pretty badly and breaking my heart. Why would she text me just to ask about something like that?

According to everyone else, she's apparently now trying to sneak back into my life because she can't stand that I'm actually doing well without her. I have positive status updates on Facebook, and have even changed my relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship". Which, by the way, was a hilarious semi-joke that caused a lot of fun reactions. I'm not really in a relationship. At least not with someone of our world... But, that's an inside thing, and no one else but me needs to know the real details behind it all. But, yeah, it's pretty much all over Facebook that I'm doing really good. And, of course, my lovely loved ones, is certain that she's seeing this and hating that she's not a part of it.

Honestly, I think that's just a load of bullshit. Yeah, sure, I know they all think she's a manipulative bitch and a psychopath that have taken advantage of me for as long as I've known her, and to some extent I have to admit that they do make some rather good points when they give me their proof of why they see her that way. But! I honestly don't see why she'd bother keeping an eye on me like they claim she is. I mean, that would actually mean that she, in some strange way, still care about me. And I just can't seem to get myself to belive that she does. I honestly have trouble believing that she ever cared about me. Besides, from what I can see, she has more or less quit Facebook, so I highly doubt she even sees my updates.

I don't believe that that text of hers was an attempt to get back in touch with me, like they all claim. Mum seems to think that she might even have seen that she has made an error, and is trying to fix things in her strange and twisted way. I think they just overthink things a bit too much. And by filling my head with their overthought thoughts, I end up thinking about her. Which is something I'm trying not to do.

Of course, I'll admit that things are a bit weird, especially after I suddenly got a friend request from her boyfriend a couple of days ago. I mean, that really made me put on my wtf-face. Why would he send me a friend request? I don't know him. The only time I've even seen him was that night out when she first met him. The only thing that connects us in any way, is that he's dating my ex. And me and her ain't friendly no more! The whole thing left me a bit baffled, I'll admit that.

But, you know, I think that FB probably suggested me cause we have some people in common on our friend list, and he just sent the request without even thinking about who I was. This is not a part of some evil plot that she has to gain control of me, like some people claim. That's just... Stupid. I didn't even respond, and I'm just gonna put the whole thing away on a shelf somewhere along with the text she sent me, and forget about it. I see no reason to let it gnaw on my brain.

If she, for some reason, want to get back into my life again, and actually makes a real and honest attempt at making amends (which would require her actually realizing that she's done something wrong, regret it, and then face it), then sure. I'd accept that attempt. But trust her and let her into my heart? That will never happen. Ever. It may sound cruel, but that's just the way it is. She fucked up. Bad. And I'm not gonna pretend it never happened.

But, right now, I've put her in a box and put her away. And that's that.


Besides, this year is all about me. I'm gonna learn to be selfish and keep my focus on myself and my own path, and work my way on finding the real me beneath my layers of masks. I'm gonna teach myself never to sacrifice myself for others, nor ignore my own needs to fulfil those of others. And I'm not going to let anything get in the way of that.

Cause, you know, the more I see of the person that is the real me, the more eager I get to get her out and show her off! And when I finally do get her out, I'm never, ever going to let her disappear again!