Distant motivation

A day late, again. But I've been sick with the flu, so I've spent the weekend with my parents. I get so focused on them when I'm there, so I'm hardly online at all, and this time I was battling a fever on top of it all, so the blog just had to be put on hold.


What I've been working on this past week, aside from a god damned flu, is my motivation. Cause I lack a lot of it. I know a lot of things I really, really want to do, but I lack the proper motivation and energy to actually get it done. They say that when you can't get anything done, it's cause you don't want it bad enough, but I find that to be bullshit. Man, there is so much that I want so badly that I'd almost be willing to kill for it, so that's not the problem. It's usually my energy-level that stands as a god damned wall in my way, and banging my head against it is enough to drive someone insane. I've got me, wanting something so badly, and then there's one part of me that has no energy to do it, and another that keeps saying that there's no reason to even try cause I'll probably fail. Arguing with myself, on a daily basis, kind of keeps me from walking forward. I swear, keeping control on myself is like running a god damned zoo!

But, yeah, I struggle a lot with forcing myself to do the things I want to do. I wonder why that is? Cause I've already established that it's not that I don't want it bad enough. Even after everything I've been through with myself lately, I still have trouble cooperating with myself. I fight a lot with myself. And that creates a massive hindrance in my path that I really need to somehow break down. I can't have this wall, blocking my way, keeping me from reaching my goals! Maybe it's time to sit down and have a proper talk with myself, and find out what I really want in life?

Oh, wait, wasn't that the point of this blog?
Lol, yeah, that it was.


Okay, so that aside, I've figured out something else this past week. And that is that I really, really want to move away from this town. Of course, I've known that for years (ever since I moved back here, really), but lately I've really learned to see exactly why I want to move.

When you are slowly working on finding yourself, and you realize that who you are is different than what you've been so far, then staying in the same place where everyone still sees you with those old eyes doesn't really help in any way. There are people around you, all expecting you to be that "character" you've been for as long as they've known you, and trying to live up to those expectations really comes in the way of being who you really are inside. You feel that being yourself will disappoint them, so you don't. You stay the same. For them. And you disappoint yourself.

You slowly work yourself into an evil circle, where you just hurt yourself.

Sure, many of my friends tell me that I've changed a lot these past months, and that I can't even be compared to who I used to be last year, and that they're all so proud of me for changing so much (though they all claim it's cause I managed to break out of the cage my ex kept me in). And I can't even begin to describe how good that makes me feel, cause then I know that the changes I've felt aren't my imagination. But they still see me with old eyes, and I keep trying to be the person they're used to, so I won't push them away by being someone else. In the end, that kind of haults my process.

I need to be seen with new eyes. Seen by people who didn't know the old me, the "character" I've been trapped behind all these years, and that don't expect me to be that person. Someone who can look beyond what used to be, and see me for who I truly am now! And no one of my friends, darling as they are, see that. They still see that old me. The fake me. And right now, I'm so desperate for someone to see the person that has been hiding beneath all that! I need to be seen! And I'm starting to feel that no one here will be able to. That I need to leave this place and go somewhere else to have someone see me. And that kind of saddens me a bit.

I can't afford to go anywhere right now. And, even if I did, I have nowhere to go. I can't sell my apartment for at least a couple of years, and I haven't found another town that I'd like to live in. Nor do I have anything to move to, cause my friends and family all live here. Yes, I do have friends elsewhere, but my closest ones don't even live in Norway, and that complicates things a bit. It's kind of depressing, to be honest. I feel so desperate to leave, and I have no means to.

I'd settle for a vacation, but even that I can't afford. I'm saving up for my two months stay with a friend of mine in Israel (if everything goes according to plan), but that trip is half a year away! And right now I feel that I need to go somewhere soon. I don't want to wait that long with getting distance from my old life and my old self. I need that distance now. I just don't know how to get it.


Maybe, if I got some distance, and someone saw me for who I am, I'd be able to find the motivation I've been lacking for so long? I don't know, but it's certainly a thought that keeps playing at the back of my mind.