Drama and self-hypnosis

Took me just about forever, but now I'm finally getting my blog updated. I've had it at the back of my mind all day, but I've had such a busy day that I haven't had the time to actually sit down and do it. So now I'm just gonna start off with a quick update on things, before moving on to the actual entry.

I had an ex of mine visiting me today, which was surprisingly okay. Haven't seen him in years, though we talk on the phone every now and then, so actually meeting him again was nice. I also got it confirmed that I am indeed very much through with him, cause I wasn't nervous or uncertain in any way. It was just like having a friend over. And that felt good, cause now I know that even though I did care for him back then, he wasn't right for me. And no, males really do not interest me anymore. I am done with them, and have no reason to doubt that. I think I needed that confirmation, actually.

I also have one other thing I need to get off my mind, cause it bothered me all of yesterday and left me in a bad mood. Which is annoying, cause I shouldn't let things like these bother me, but maybe just writing about it will get it out of my mind.
I got some drama this weekend when I was at a party, and I didn't actually do anything wrong. See, last party I had at my place, I met a couple of guys that were really okay, and they stayed behind after everyone had left (they were driving, so they were both sober), and as they played lots of music for me, one of them had a moment of having his hand between my legs. Now, I didn't really react. I don't care about, nor do I get turned on by, a man having his hand between my legs. But, they played Disturbed for me, and THAT turns me on, and they found that entertaining.
So, the party I was at this weekend, was his party. And, at some point, he told some of the people at the party that I was the weirdest girl he knew, cause him having his hand between my legs didn't turn me on, but music did. We all found that hilarious, of course, and we partied on. I think it was mentioned a couple of times after that, and I just lol'd at it. Then, suddenly, his ex (whom was present at the party) apparently tells people to get me to leave, cause she can't stand my face. And the host, get this, tells me that he finds it inappropriate that I tell people that he had his hand between my legs when he had only had it on my thigh. I mean, seriously? And I just laugh at him and told him that he was the one who told people, not me, and he still tells me it is inappropriate. In the end, the entire thing just gets so freaky that I decided to leave and go out instead. I actually tried talking to his ex, and even apologize if I had done something wrong, but she just told me to gtfo.
The entire thing is just silly. Okay, apparently those two still has issues they need to clear up, since something like that causes that kind of drama. But dragging me into it, and blaming it all on me? That was just stupid. But what annoys me the most, is that I actually tried to aplogize. I hadn't done anything wrong, and still I tried to apologize. Why do I always do that? It's like I'm constantly begging for forgiveness for even existing! I hate that about myself. I hate how I crawl for others all the time. Cause, that's not even the real me. I do that to please everyone else. The real me? Would've told them to fuck off and stop dragging me into their problems. And that I let it get to me that she got mad at me, that really bugs me. Cause that's the crawling part of me, that's not real, that's still trying to take control.

So, yeah, apparently I still have trouble being myself.
Huge setback, that.

And this brings me on to my real blog entry.


I've had a lot to think about this past week, and of course the most visited thought is me trying to dig out the real me. It's not as easy as it seems, especially since the fake me is still fighting to stay in control so I won't disappoint people. I have moments where I literally want to physically hit myself with something hard and sharp, just to get me to snap out of that stupid state I'm in. I need to stop existing for the sake of everyone else! I need to exist for ME! I need to be selfish. I need to ignore what everyone else thinks. Or what I think they think. I need to focus on myself, and my own needs. My own feelings. My own desires. Me.

But it's difficult. And it annoys me that it's difficult. Something like that shouldn't be difficult. In my opinion. But, it is, and I just need to teach myself to work around it. Make it easy. And realize that it'll take time, and that I have that time it'll take. No need to rush things.

I am also working on a type of self-hypnosis, to teach myself that I'm not worthless. And, I think it's going pretty well. It has done wonders for my self-esteem, it has. Cause, you see, whenever I go to town, I usually walk around thinking things such as "everybody thinks I'm stupid and ugly, and they hate me, and I should've just stayed at home, I'm hopeless and worthless" and so on. My usual thoughts, as they have been for years. But, a while back I started telling myself things whenever I was in town, just repeating the same thoughts over and over again: "Man, I'm so awesome. I'm the most awesome chick in this entire town! Everyone who walks by me thinks I'm really hot, and that I look really interesting. And everyone who knows me, loves and admires me. I'm the fucking queen of this town!"
Lol, I know these are silly things to tell myself, but it is to counter those negative thoughts that I've struggled with all my life. And it works! I start to think that mabye I'm not as bad as I thought, and the moment I do that I perk up a bit. My entire vibe changes, and I project the image of being confident, which is something that people are attracted to. And, of course, then I get more people who looks at me and smiles when they walk passed, cause they do find my confidence attractive, which then gives me a confidence boost and helps me believe that, hey, maybe I'm not so bad after all.

I'm finally at a point where I am starting to believe that I'm actually worth something. That maybe, just maybe, I'm not stupid and ugly and hated by everyone. That, actually, I'm pretty okay. And when you've lived your entire life feeling absolutely worthless, getting to that point is so amazing that I can't even describe it with words.

And, yes, boosting my confidence makes it easier for me to try and dig myself out, and be the real me. So, all in all, I'm extremely pleased with my progress. I think I might just be on the right track here. And, I'm gonna keep this up. I am going to reach that point where I've managed to dig myself out, accepted who I am, learned to love that person, and finally be that person. And I am going to reach that point sometime during this year.

If I tell myself that long enough, it'll happen.
Self-hypnosis, baby! Self-hypnosis!