Definitely. Hit. A. Wall. Big time. And I still can't seem to figure out why. I can rule out PMSing, cause I got my period and I'm still moody as hell. I used to be like this back when I was depressed, but I really don't want to go down that road and believe that I am depressed again. There has got to be some other reason, and I just got to work harder to find it and solve it so I can go back to my usual pace of progress.
This past week my progress has gone from moving forward at a decent pace, to a slow halt, and then finally taking several steps back. A lot of the things I've worked hard for have slipped away from me this past week, and it's extremely frustrating. I've had a serious setback.
But, at least I have realized a couple of things, if nothing else.
You know, I was out drinking yesterday, and my god how I had missed going out. A bit strange, really, that I've gotten to such a point where I actually miss going out and being social, considering how anti-social I've been about 90% of my life. But, yeah, I had missed it. Though, I had trouble getting back into things, for some strange reason.
First off, last night almost didn't happen at all. I called a friend of mine, whom I always party with, and she was sick. She couldn't party with me. And my plans for the night died, which fuled that sadfaced virus that's been sucking on me this past week, and I totally hit the wall. Luckily, in the middle of my despair and going down dark roads of heavy thoughts, my sister called me and wanted me to come join her and her cousin. Literally saved my night, that did.
We had a lot of fun, and it turned into a rather big party after a while before we all went out. My sister's cousin (whom used to be my best friend when I was just a little kid, and whom I've always had a small crush on) was pretty drunk, and I ended up watching over her the entire night. I didn't really mind, cause she's nice, but somehow my night just turned out really weird. After she left, I did a quiet round around the club, before I walked home.
And that's when the alcohol decided it was time to punch that sadfaced virus of mine, and I had a typical drunk crying moment that lasted all the way from the gas station to my apartment, and halfway through eating the burger I had bought at the gas station. When I finally crawled into bed, I was totally beat.
Why was I crying? Because I hated myself. I got out my masks again last night, and the fact that I did was a fact that I hate. It was that submissive mask. The one I put on when I let the entire world dominate me and walk all over me, and I apologize for not being more pleasant to walk all over. Definitely the mask I hate the most, that. Met a guy that remembered me from back in the days when I used to work at a school cafeteria, and he kept calling me Anette, like most people had done that night. My name is Anett, and yet I didn't right him, or anyone else, the entire night. I didn't want them to feel bad for using the wrong name.
And at the gas station, I more or less apologized for every little thing I said and did. They work there, late at night, during the weekends, and they know that the only customers they'll be getting are drunk ones wanting burger. And I stood there, apologizing for ordering food in my drunk state. I apologized when I had to ask if the soda that came with the burger was the bottle kind or the cup kind. I was inches away from apologizing for breathing, or even existing at all. When I got my food, I aplogized for bothering them and slipped out the door as quickly and quietly as I possibly could, and made my way home.
I spent most of last night just apologizing.
Want to know a fun fact about me and how far I tend to stretch just to please others? I've tried hard to gain weight, just so that someone who had issues with their own weight would feel skinny next to me. I try to look ugly, so anyone with issues with their appearance will feel pretty next to me. I act dumb, just so that others can feel smart.
Earlier this week I bought a pair of jeans one size too big, cause me and my sister were trying them on in the same dressing room and that was the size she needed, and I know she has issues with her weight and her body so I didn't want her to feel bad by buying the jeans in a smaller size than she did.
My sister is so amazingly beautiful, and there is absolutely no part of her that is overweight in any way. I think she looks perfect. But she doesn't believe that, cause she's brainwashed by how the public displays "beauty" and is constantly trying to lose weight to meet those idiotic ideals. My ex was just like that, and probably still is. Weight issues. Caused by stupid idiots with a fucked up idea of what beauty is. Ticks me off, it does.
But, yeah, I do the same around my sister as I used to do around my ex. I try to be fat and ugly so that she can feel skinny and pretty.
I don't really know what to say about this. Honestly. I have no idea. This is how I've been my entire life. Apologizing for existing, and putting myself down to raise others up. I've tried so hard, all my life, to be everything I'm not just to please everyone around me. I've buried myself so deep down beneath layers of crap, that I honestly don't really know much about who I really am.
And after working so intensely these past months to dig out that ME that's somewhere inside me, I managed to drown all that work during these past weeks beneath those layers of crap again.
And now I'm back to apologizing for being a part of this world.
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