Sex and the Alternative

How often do you masturbate?
And why?

I do it every night, and I do it for all the wrong reasons. I've never really enjoyed it, and I've never done it because I was turned on or needed to let out some sexual frustration. To me, it's pure business. I do it to make my body relax so I might sleep better at night, and for no other reason. I might also do it if I'm really tense, also to relax my body. There's nothing sexual about it, for me at least. Sure, that exact moment when I have an orgasm is pleasant, that I'm gonna be honest about, but working my way towards it and how I feel afterward is anything but pleasant. It's just tiresome. So, yeah, pure business.
Just like sex in general, really. I rarely enjoy sex, even though I might pretend to. Yeah, sure, I may come off as a very sexual being, mainly because I have the dirtiest mind ever. I can turn even the most innocent things into sexual innuendos. I'm just that skilled. But, despite that, I have never been a fan of sex. I do it to satisfy others, not myself. Sure, I do have my periods of "sexual highs", as I call them, when I'm superhorny and nearly jump people out of pure sexial frustration. But, those are rare, and years pass between them. No, sex just isn't my thing. I don't feel comfortable having it.

Not sure why I'm like this. But I've always been this way. Okay, no, I kind of lie now. Around women, ever since I was a little girl, I've always had trouble keeping my hands to myself. Women turn me on just by looking at me. Though, I'll be honest and admit that I'm not as experienced as people may think when it comes to actual sex with a woman. I'm... Shy. But I've had my share, that I have, so I know a thing or two. And still, even with women, I tend to shy away from sex. Even though I enjoy them, I rarely enjoy sex. If that makes any sense at all. Truth be told, I can count on one hand how many times I've managed to feel comfortable and enjoy having sex with someone. And considering how much sex I've actually had in my life, that says a lot. Cause, despite disliking it, I have had a lot of it.

I aim to please?
I don't know.

But what I do know is that sex is a topic that, despite what I let people believe, I kind of dislike. Well, that is, if the topic is scentered around getting me into bed there and then or in the near future. I can easily talk about sex I've already had, but thinking or talking about having sex sometime in the future just freaks me out. It even freaks me out when people hit on me, or try to touch me. Or, rather, when men do it. I'm okay with women hitting on me, but then again, I'm okay with most things involving women, lol.

Basically, sexual stuff and men. Bad combo.
I really am a lesbian, no matter how much I don't want to be. *le sigh*



That aside, I see that more and more often I am a day late with my entries to this blog. Either I'm busy, away, sick, or hung over on sundays, and I just don't get around to actually getting up the entries I've got planned - or have started writing on. I'm starting to think that maybe I'll try and do my updates on mondays from now on, so as not to feel really bad about myself for not posting anything on sundays. Cause, yeah, I really do feel bad. Last night, after going to bed, I remembered that I had forgotten about my blog (I spent the weekend with my folks, cause I was sick and cause me and mum had some appointments together), and I felt absolutely horrible. Though I'm not really sure why.

So, yeah, I'm considering moving my weekly updates to mondays. But I'm gonna wait and see what happens before deciding. If I manage to do updates on the next two sundays, then I'll stick to that, but if I'm a day late the next couple of weeks as well, then I'll just move my updates and start doing them on mondays instead. We'll see, we'll see.



Okay, so, this weekend there was an alternative, uh, fair? Mass? Mess? I don't know what it's called in English, lol. But, anyway, there was a lot of people having stands where they did psychic readings and sold fancy stuff, and of course I had to attend. I was actually supposed to have a stand there myself, but I was too slow to get one, so I'll just do it next year instead. I really do love alternative stuff, mainly because I am a practitioner myself. I do readings in cards. And I'm pretty good. Still working on training my abilities - they're vast, but untrained - and this weekend I bought a set of stone runes that I'm going to learn how to use. That'll be interesting.

And not only that, but we had some famous faces as well. One was Lilli Bendriss, whom is a famous psychic here in Norway, and she had her own stand. I talked very briefly to her, about some necklaces she was selling, and was shaking as a leaf when I walked from there. Lol, I'm not good at talking to famous people. The other was our country's princess, Märtha Louise, with her partner, Elisabeth Nordeng. They run an "angel school" called Astarte Education, where they teach people to use their abilities and make contact with their guardian angels. The two of them were having a presentation called "Standing in the Storm" this sunday, and the day before they were selling and signing their books. Of course, me and mum got their books and got them signed. Kind of neat to stand in front of the princess like that. And the presentation they had were really good! It was inspiring and motivating, and urging us all to find ourselves, accept that person for who she/he is, and be that person 100%. It was exactly the kind of presentation I needed these days, considering what I'm in the middle of doing.

All in all, I really enjoyed this weekend, despite being sick. It brought me a lot of motivation, when it comes to finding myself, and when it comes to training my own abilities. Becuase, no matter how you look at it, my abilities is a large part of who I am. I'm extremely spiritual, and I'm very drawn to alternative things such as paranormal stuff and psychic stuff. It's a part of my identity, and I feel that it is important to me to honour that side of me by not hiding it from the world. I shouldn't be concerned about what others think about me and my abilities, and instead be proud of them! What others believe, is their business. I just need to concentrate on believing in myself.

I won't deny myself, or who I am. Not anymore.