Bad head

Rollercoaster head ftw! Lol, my head had a little date with a car window on Saturday, so I'm still seeing stars. No concussion though, which is good, but according to the doctor I'm probably still in shock, so I need to take it easy for a while. My head is totally out of it, and I can't seem to focus properly at all, and I've been like that since I woke up yesterday. The entire day yesterday I was so out of it that people kept asking me if I hadn't had enough sleep, or if I was drunk. I was totally lost. And I still am, but I do feel a bit better today. My head doesn't hurt quite as much as it did yesterday, and I have a bit more control over my head today.

I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out what to write here today though, cause the line of thought I had earlier last week is now completely gone. I have no idea what I was working on last week, when it comes to myself and my progress. I mean, I can hardly remember last week at all, which is a bit frustrating. And scary. But, that's my typical memory, I suppose.

I know that the last entry I made wasn't really a happy one, cause I was seriously down at the time and I had a major setback in my progress. And I know that I made a goal out of working out that setback of mine so I could keep moving forward. And I'm pretty sure I started on that. I think. Lol, I have seriously no idea. My entire week is just gone.

I do know that I've managed to sort through some stuff here in my apartment though! I fixed my chaotic jewelry mess, and I sorted through my Don Rosa collection, as well as move over all the stuff I had on my laptop, so those are things I can check off on my list of things to do. And I am, actually, feeling a lot better this week. I've managed to fight my way back to being a bit more on top of things and feel a bit more confident. I think I shot that submissive mask of mine, and burried it somewhere. And thank heavens I did, cause if I walk too long with that mask on, I get to the point where I start to think about ending my life. Sad, but true. I start thinking that I'm too worthless to live, so I look for ways to NOT live. But, I've managed to steer away from that line of thought.

I give myself peptalks on a regular basis, and even though it sounds silly, I can promise you that it helps. I'm forcing myself to keep a positive view on things, but repeating the same things over and over, to convince myself that I'm not worthless and that things will be alright. It's a type of self-hypnosis, which is something I've been writing about in my earlier entries. And it really does help. I think I must've done a lot of it last week, cause I'm feeling really great now. I'm back on my "don't give a fuck about what others think of me" wagon, which is my favourite wagon to be on cause it's one of my real ones. Deep down inside, the real me don't give a fuck. But my masks do, and since they've been in control of me all my life, I've been giving too much of a fuck.

This week I'll be working a bit more intensely on figuring out exactly why I keep letting those masks get the better of me, and learn to toss them away or bury them instead of letting them be in control of me. No mercy on the masks! I'm gonna dig myself out, no matter what.

But firstly, I'm gonna take today off and just chill.
I need it. And deserve it. So there.