Evolving

I'm a bit late with my update today, but I've been with my family since yesterday. It's my mum's birthday today, so the rest of the world just kind of blurred away from me. I had a great time, and I hope mum did too.

I have to admit that I've been tinking of my blog these past two days, wondering what to write. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, but rather that it's difficult to form my thoughts into words. Words that'll make any sense to anyone not living inside my head. Needless to say, there's a lot going on in there. Not surprising or new, that, but... I don't know. It's a bit of a chaos, and I'm not sure how to bring some order to it.

I'm slightly worried about my younger brother, cause he seems to be having a lot to deal with. A part of me want to do something about it, but there's another part that reminds me what it's like, and that nothing I say or do will really make much of a difference. If the troubles are indeed real, and not something he is imagining because he's just being a typical fourteen-year-old, then he has to sort them out himself. I know, because all the problems I've had all my life could never be fixed by anyone around me. They all tried helping, but nothing mattered in the end. I was the only one who could fix my broken self, which I am still trying to do. So, yeah, he just needs to figure things out, and me bugging him will only make matters worse. But I'm hoping he's just being a teenager.

I'm also worried about both of my younger sisters, for different reasons. One of them because of her health and her apparent love troubles, and the other because of the apparent issues she's having with her own self. I wish there were something I could do to help them both, but in the end I come up short. And I tell myself that I can't really do anything than just be here if they come to me for help. And when/if they do, I'll do my best to support them in any way I can. Give them advice if that's what they need, or a shoulder to cry on if they need that instead, or both. Or something entirely different. I guess I just have to wait and see, and pray that they know they can lean on me if they need to.

I love my siblings dearly, and I will always do my best to help them.

I spend a lot of time worrying about everyone around me that I love and care about, and even a small amount of time worrying about those who don't really deserve that kind of attention from me. Even though I promised myself I'd be selfish this year, and worry only about myself. I suppose that's impossible for me to do. I care too much. But, that's a part of who I am. I just need to accept that.

I do worry about myself as well. I've gotten better at that, which I suppose is a good thing considering that I've never really cared about myself at all. Maybe that's one of the reasons for why I've never really managed to find myself beneath the layers of masks? I didn't care enough. I was too busy living for everyone else, and caring about them, that I forgot myself. I forgot to find me.

I suppose that makes kind of sense.

Well, when we're in on the subject of me, I still can't really seem to figure out what's going on with me these days. Something inside me is changing, that much I have realized, and I hope it's a good change. It kind of feels like it, so I'm sticking to that hope. I do notice how much I've changed these past months. It's actually pretty amazing, when you really know me.

I smile more. Honest smiles, and not fake ones. And I laugh more. I'm positive and cheerful, and I don't worry as much as I used to. These past months, I've grown happier than I've ever been before. I'm not sure how that has happened, but it has. It must've been a slow change, really, cause I've only recently taken notice of it. Like, the last week kind of recent. But, yeah, I'm happier, somehow. And I enjoy life. I never really used to, before. Life was... A burden to me. I only lived because of everyone else, and not for my own sake, and I felt trapped in that masked cage. I didn't live, but I couldn't die either. My life has been a nightmare, for as long as I can remember. And now... It's like I'm finally waking up.

I honestly feel that life is worth living, and that everything will be okay. I'm protected, and loved, and even though I'll still encounter bad things and bad periods, I'll survive that. And, most importantly, I'm not alone anymore. I have this new protector of mine, and I know that it is someone that will never leave my side no matter what. It doesn't matter that this is someone I can't see or touch, cause the thing that does matter is that this person loves me and is here to protect me. And that makes me feel safe.

This year... It's a protective sphere, surrounding me, and allowing me to grow and "evolve" and become stronger. When I emerge from it, I will have become a different person. I'll be the one I was always supposed to be, free of masks and chains holding me down, and I will have found my rightful place in the world.

I''m not afraid anymore.