Social life

My Sundays are slowly disappearing into a haze of hungoverness. Hehe, totally my own fault, and definitely worth it though, I'll admit that. I have so much fun when I'm out drinking with my friends, and it makes me so happy that I've finally gotten to a point in my life where I can actually do something like that. About damn time, right?

I have to admit that I haven't really been looking into the whole mask issue, cause I mostly just want to ignore they even exist. As soon as I got back into the saddle, and felt better about things, I turned my back on the whole fact that I had been down at all, and just ignored it. Not really a good thing, I know, but having to sit down and think about all the things that have caused me trouble in my life and have brought me down is just really depressing. I did, actually, write quite the entry in my main blog, which I am really proud of! I wrote quite honestly about how down I've been, and how that changed, and encouraged people to tell the world to fuck off and just be themselves. I suppose I really did go in on why I've been locked behind these masks all my life, since I wrote that entry.

I don't usually write so openly about things like that in that blog, and I especially don't drag out specific people or incidents in there, cause I post it publicly on my Facebook and don't want to offend anyone. But this time I did. Not really sure what caused me to do so, but I'm really glad that I wrote that. It is without a doubt the best entry I've ever written, in any of my blogs. And it was an honest entry.

I've been trapped behind masks, to please the world. And I lost myself because of it.
So now, I work to mend the wounds the masks left on me.

It's a slow process. But I'm getting there.



Another thing I've had on my mind the last week is my social life. I mean, just the fact that I have one is absolutely amazing, considering that I've always had trouble with it! When my ex was a part of my life, all of my attention was always on her, and the rest of the world was put on hold, so beside her I had no social life. In the periods where I lived with her, I didn't even have a social life online, cause I was too busy with her to find the time to go online. Which was ridicules of me. I pretty much threw my life away like that.

But, putting her and my life with her aside, my social life have always been a bit on and off. In large periods of my life I've had a social fear that have paralyzed me. Because of my anxiety, it has been easier to deal with things if I shut out the world and didn't have any contact with it. And, of course, that meant not having any friends. A year ago, I knew a couple of people here and there, but didn't really have any contact with them. I was busy with my anxiety, and busy with my ex. My social life was a joke.

Now, on the other hand, I know lots of people, and I'm out partying and having fun every weekend! I have people that contact me when they're gonna have a party, and ask me to come, and people that actually text me or call me to see if I know of any parties or if I'm having one myself. How strange is that? It's completely new to me, but I am enjoying every single bit of it. I actually have a social life. And I'm loving it!

Of course, since this have been on my mind lately, it has also caused me to sit down and actually think through what kind of social person I am, and what kind of friends I like having. And I've discovered a lot about myself, both good and bad.

I really dislike visiting people. To the point where I'll avoid it at all costs. I feel uncomfortable and trapped whenever I am visiting anyone, and I can't seem to relax, which makes me really tense and gives me headaches. So I rarely, if ever, visit people. I visit my parents, of course, if there's some special occasion, but that's about it. I'm not sure why I'm like that, but that's just the way I am. And I'm not too fond of getting visits either. My home is my sanctuary, so allowing people inside it is.. Well, it's difficult for me. I only allow people I trust or really, really like inside my home on a regular day. Luckily, not many of my friends visits people all that often, and the few that does are people I tolerate having in my home, so I'm all good there.
I think it's because visits are usually done in the afternoon, and I really, really dislike being social in the afternoon, for some weird reason. I mean, on a weekday, I usually go to town very often with my mum, and I absolutely love that. If I meet people in town, I can go to a café and have coffee with them and sit and talk for hours, or go shopping. I love being social in town! From around noon, and at least until 3 or 4 PM, I'm supersocial if I'm in town, and I love meeting as many people as possible. But the moment I'm back home, I'm done being social. And I need to be left alone. Even texting people or talking to someone on the phone is difficult, and I'd rather avoid it. I don't know why, but that's how I am. And considering that most people are at work when I'm in town and ready to be social, it can be really difficult maintining that kind of social life.

On Saturdays, however, I am completely different! I can't be social enough. I go to town with mum first, and then I have some hours at home where I eat dinner and get ready, and then I'm all set to party, and have loads of people around me. The more the better! And I have no trouble having guests on Saturdays, if I'm having a party. It makes me happy! And I love going out, cause I get to dance and hang out with lots of other people, and I often have nach at my place, where I invite random people home with me. It's really strange, but I can't be social enough on Saturdays, for some reason. Maybe I'm making up for not being all that social on the weekdays? I don't know. But I've discovered that I absolutely love being social and partying on Saturdays. Not Fridays, cause on Fridays I like to sit at home and just chill with beer and some candy and watch something or play something. And not Sundays, cause I'm hung over and would rather just be left alone and just relax. But Saturdays. My social day. And the day where I never say no to being around other people and having fun. Unless I'm really, really sick, or have some important appointment, of course.

Am I weird? I have specific times when I can be social, and if I have to be social outside of those times, I totally freak out and can hardly handle the situation at all. Is that normal? Should I be worried? Or should I just accept that that's the way I am, and learn to live with that? I mean, I personally don't mind being like that, cause right now my life is at a stage where this is perfect for me. The only thing that worries me is if some of my friends start to complain. They haven't so far, but what if they do? What if they dislike my way of being social?
Well, you know what? If they do, then they're not real friends. Right? I mean, real friends accept you for who you are, and how you are, and don't complain or ask you to change. And so far, the friends I have haven't complained at all. Sure, I don't really see them that often, cause they rarely go to town at all, so we usually just end up meeting on the weekends when we party, but I love them dearly and treasure the time I have with them. And if they ever ask me to meet them in town on a normal weekday, then I'm definitely there. So, yeah, I'm really lucky. I have great friends, and I really appreciate that.


You know? When I really think about it, life's pretty good.