I love to love

Love is a difficult subject, and one I've never really had much luck with. I know a lot about it, though, cause I've seen pretty much the entire spectre of love. I've experienced it all. I've experienced the love between siblings, the love one feel for one's parents, the love between friends, the simple love you feel when you've got a crush on someone, the deep love that makes you tie yourself to another person for all eternity, the kind of love that fades away after a while, the love that can only be killed by the cruelest things, and the deepest kind of love that'll never fade nor die no matter what happens. I've seen and experienced it all. The only kind of love I can't claim to have experienced is the kind of love a parent feels for its child, but that is something I'm sure I'll get to feel the day I become a mother myself.

All in all, I'm pretty high level when it comes to different kinds of love.

But my personal luck with it is all but pleasant. I've gone through a lot of pain when it comes to love, though nothing could ever compare to the pain of trying to erase 15 years of love after having your heart broken for the nth time. I say a lot of cruel things about my ex, but it can't cover up the fact that she's been the love of my life for 15 years, and I'll never be able to kill those feelings. I'll always love her. Though I'll never forgive her, or trust her, ever again, I'll always love her.

I am a being fueled by love. At times I might claim to hate it, because love has caused me so much pain, but in the end it is the one thing I cannot go without. It's my source of life and energy. It's what keeps me going, and without it I would die. I love with all my being, always have and always will, and now I am finally learning to accept that. Love isn't just a simple thing in my heart. It is all that I am. And there is no limit to how much and how deep I am capable of loving. My love moves beyond boundaries.

I use the word "love" often, and always with deep meaning.

It's not easy, however, to love the way that I love. At times I've had to hide it, and most of my life I've denied the intense love that I carry. More often than not, it complicates things, and so many misunderstand it. They misunderstand my love. And because of that, I have so often tried to put away my love and pretend that it's not there. I've denied the very being that I am.

But why? What can I possibly gain by denying who and what I am? That is probably the number one question I've been asking myself this past half year or so. All my life, I've done nothing but hide or deny who I am, and I haven't gained anything from doing so. I see that now, and thankfully I don't think it's too late to remedy the hurt I've caused myself. While slowly learning to see who I am, and accept that person, I am also starting to see how much love I am capable of carrying. It's only recently that it has become clear to me, and at this very moment I have come as far as to accept it. And be proud of it.

I am proud of how much love there is within me. How I can enjoy love the way that I do. And how I can live with love as a source of life. Just watching people in love is enough to refill my energy and keep me going, and that is something I take pride in. Love is my fuel. And I love it.

I love to love.